When you see this:
DON'T ****ING CROSS THE STREET.
Seriously, I was driving home from work a few days ago, and I was at a traffic light, and there was this family who waited until the goddamn hand showed up to cross the street. A mother and her children. I almost had to run them over out of principle.
ALSO
There is such a thing as a crosswalk. It looks like this:
If you are on a relatively busy street in the center of a city, there is a strong likelihood that there are a few of these scattered along the way. These are generally the best places to cross these streets. You know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONLY LEGAL PLACES TO CROSS THE STREET.
Old people jaywalk a lot and I hate them.
2. If you're can't tell that you're straddling the white dotted line, you shouldn't be driving.
Also, you're driving 10 mph below the speed limit. I need to get to work on time, and it would be nice if I could merge into that other lane so I can go the speed limit and pass you. I know the idea of going to work might seem like an absurd idea at 4pm on a Saturday, but some of us have jobs with erratic hours.
3. Kohl's Cash is a coupon.
It is not legal tender. The first thing it says in the fine print is "This is not legal tender." We are not giving you free money, we are giving you a coupon. We are not required by law to give you this coupon, we are doing it as a favor to you for shopping with us. Also, because we want you to shop with us some more. Because it is a coupon, we have the right to impose a rule that says that the Kohl's Cash be taken off your transaction before the percent off coupon that you are using on the same transaction. It's a coupon. We made it up.
4. If you hated the predecessor, don't see the sequel.
Especially if you're going to subsequently complain about how you wish Hollywood would start making better films on your way out of the theater. If you hated the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies, and you've noticed that the fourth one is getting terrible reviews, why on earth are you going to see it? Seriously. Beginners is out right now and it looks pretty good. I haven't seen it yet myself, but if I had your money, I'd at least try something new instead of seeing the sequel to something I disliked.
5. Can we riot yet?
Seriously, Scott Walker is closing DMV's in Democratic districts after imposing a mandatory voter ID law and his cronies in the state legislature are clearly gerrymandering.
6. Stop using the phrase "it's the same difference."
It sounds dumb and you sound dumb for using it. Seriously. Is it that hard to say "it's the same thing," or do you really feel the need to add an extra syllable with a word that makes zero sense? And don't give me that whole "dduuuurrrr, it's a colloquialism so you're not s'pose to take it srsly man." It's still annoying and idiotic and I should slap you.
7. Queen of the Damned is a terrible movie.
I used to think that Patch Adams was my all time least favorite movie. Not the objectively worst movie ever made, but simply my least favorite. Then I remembered this abhorrent piece of wretched turdliness that should have been aborted like a malignant fetus before it ever went into pre-production. Sadly, this was also the last major project that Aaliyah, who was totally awesome, worked on before her life was cut short by some cokehead who was trying to pilot an aircraft while high. This movie really sucks. It's like watching someone else read a vampire novel while screaming at an earth shattering volume every time they come across the word "the." Or maybe "suck," because vampires suck blood and this movie sucks something completely different.
8. Rashida Jones is hot.
Like, really, really hot.
Also, I should really get a girlfriend. Too bad the cute new girl at work is only 18. That's a bit too young for me right now. On the other hand, that cute Mexican girl is back from California and we've both been wanting to hang out with each other, so... that could be a possibility, I guess.
