Happy new year! Here's the next few release dates!
Jan 29 -
Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man premieres (I probably won't liveblog this since it's no longer in the continuity)
Feb 14 -
Captain America: Brave New World opens
Mar 4 -
Daredevil: Born Again premieres
And it's time for part 61.32....
What If...? season 3:
#3.01 "...the Hulk Fought the Mech Avengers?"
--The Go-Bots are like the Kmart of Transformers.
--Wait, those look like Shogunzords.
--IT'S NOT DIFFERENT AT ALL, IS IT RANDOM CHILD?
--The date & nexus event here are tricky to pin down. Sam doesn't seem to know Steve, & Bruce doesn't seem to be an Avenger.
--How did Thor die!?
--The new team appears to be Cap Sam, Bucky, Spectrum (makes sense that Monica grew up over 30 years), Red Guardian, Shang-Chi (maybe we'll meet him for real later), Moon Knight (ditto), & Nakia.
--Shang-Chi's presence gives us our timeline cues: The main story here has to be in or after 2024, meaning the first Gamma War had to be in or after 2014.
--Arctic Rim?
--Bruce's greatest fear has always been himself. This tracks.
--Rangers, power up your crystals!
--Megazord activated.
--I'm surprised the old Iron Man zord didn't have that laser attack.
--Go, Green Ranger, go!
--Fun fact: Unlike the other MMPR zords, Dragonzord was never destroyed; it's still in hibernation at the bottom of the ocean.
--So I guess this is our MCU Savage Land?
--
Overall consequences: Major. Banner is permanently in Mega-Hulk form & living in isolation with the other gamma beasts. The other OG Avengers are all dead. The New Avengers have a Megazord. Not sure what's up with Tiamut....
#3.02 "...Agatha Went to Hollywood?"
--The old-Hollywood opening here is delightful.
--Kathryn Hahn's voice acting is also delightful. I presume we'll meet her character in the main timeline soon.
--Timeline cue: Main-universe Howard Stark's brief foray into filmmaking began in 1947, so let's run with that.
--Nexus event: Agatha found Tiamut. At least *somebody's* dealing with that.
--Jarvis, we love you. Show that flamingo who's boss.
--Kingo, we love you, even if we technically don't know who you are yet.
--Interesting, how does he know what she's up to if he doesn't even know his own actual mission?
--Dance off, bro. Me & you.
--Aren't they recording sound? How are they able to have this conversation on-camera?
--Smooth move, Prime Eternal. How'd you not know you were bugged?
--"Meanwhile in space..." *Rubberband Man intensifies*
--Dat cross-section tho.
--The art here is phenomenal.
--A heretic? Arishem, she's not a member of your cult.
--Uatu looks a little weird in this one.
--On the one hand, Agatha is stronger than 2 of them. On the other hand, they sent 3.
--
Overall consequences: Cosmically drastic. Arishem the Judge is dead.
#3.03 "...the Red Guardian Stopped the Winter Soldier?"
--Timeline cue: Mission Report: December 16th, 1991.
--Dreykov is unrecognizable.
--Nexus event: Alexei telling Dreykov to stuff his undercover mission instead of becoming Natasha's "father".
--Is the Red Room working with Hydra? Because it didn't seem that way before.
--"Korobeiniki" is public domain, guys.
--What's that shield made of?
--They got Lawrence Fishburne's tooth gap right.
--
Foster's speech (1993, colorized)
--Brought to you by Burgers-brand burgers.
--A perfect representation of the Cold War: Russia versus America Ferrera.
--What in the Thelma & Louise?
--Really good cinematography on this episode.
--Apparently a "Thomas Guide" is a different brand of TripTik.
--Bucky Barnes was able to kill him in a HOTEL! With a BOX OF SCRAPS!
--What in the Butch & Sundance?
--Curious how Iron Man came to be in this world since Stane died before Tony ever had control of the company.
--
Overall consequences: Pretty significant. Howard Stark is still alive, & there are no other Winter Soldiers; Zemo's gonna need a whole different tactic to incite Civil War. Natasha likely never grows up with Yelena. The Avengers are also up one super soldier.
#3.04 "...Howard the Duck Got Hitched?"
--Mork calling Orson, come in Orson.
--Darcy The Duck, a la Jessica Rabbit.
--This is the Party Thor universe, so the nexus event is already known.
--Where'd Goldblum go? A little too drunk on green elixer?
--I think there was an episode of Hit-Monkey about hedonistic freaks who ate unique creatures.
--Look who's dealing in kids again.
--Why doesn't Howard know how to use jump points?
--Always glad to have more Coulson.
--Timeline cue: It's not long after the Convergence, which was in fall 2013 (in the main timeline, that was the plot of Dark World; here, Jane probably never awakened the Aether, so Malekith probably slept through it).
--"I don't know!" "Third base!"
--Just need some planks of wood & we got ourselves
a good time.
--What possible reason could Dormammu need a host body for?
--Ok, I guess Malekith woke up somehow after all.
--The action sequences here are actually really good (& solid Mulan reference), but that kid's gotta have shaken baby syndrome by now.
--Unlike a lot of these guys, Fury's not so hubristic that he doesn't know when to fold 'em.
--It's actually kinda cute. Merry Christmas, everybody.
--
Overall consequences: Hilariously huge. Thanos, Malekith, Kaecilius, Yondu, & the Grandmaster are all dead. Infinity War never happens, the events of Doctor Strange 1 never happen, Ragnarok likely doesn't happen for quite some time yet, and (once again) the Guardians of the Galaxy may never form.
#3.05 "...the Emergence Destroyed the Earth?"
--"Near Future" from when, Uatu?
--"Strictly analog"? We can
see the digital display, Sharon.
--Is this another Ultron-Vision world? But the episode title?
--So an Emergence wouldn't kill *everyone* on the planet, just *most* of them.
--Nexus event here is unclear, but it has to be something that prevented the Snap, hence the population reaching its critical threshold earlier & the Ajak not face-turning.
--Oh, a Spider-Man character! Well, now we know for sure this episode will be under 40 minutes.
--Very tricky to pin down a date here. It's been years since the Emergence, which should put us roughly in the "present", Riri is described as a teenager & still on her buggy Mk 1 armor that I'm sure we'll see for the first time soon, & the alliance looks like their correct "current" ages, but Beck is DRASTICALLY older.
--Weird mix of new & returning voices. I know Yeoh's been busy for the same reason as Goldblum, & they probably couldn't use Gyllenhaal for the same reason they couldn't use Holland in S1, but where's Gurira & Wongers?
--
White Vision vs Redshirts, Lucasfilm edition
--You *can* in fact grill a hamburger that quickly if you cook both sides at the same time. (Brought to you by the George Foreman Grill, one of the few celebrity products in history that actually works.)
--Is this comic-style extremis!?
--If I knew who Ying Nan was yet, I'd say she's seemed out of character most of this whole tim--ohhhh, she's an illusion, isn't she?
--Yep, called it.
--Riri, can't you just take it off?
--Quentin, couldn't you have just taken Vision's body while you still had him with you?
--Come on, this is obviously another illusion.
--They clearly gave Uatu a pass the first time since Infinity Ultron drew first blood. This isn't that.
--
Overall consequences: Earth is blown up & most of humanity is dead, so that seems pretty important, I dunno.
#3.06 "...1872?"
--Timeline cue: Episode title.
--Been digging the old-timey openings.
--You couldn't just go up there & ring it?
--Spider-Gwen is in this show.
--Marvel Studios'
Shanghai Noon
--Nexus event: Intentionally unspecified; it's so far afield from where we are that the change had to happen ages & ages ago.
--Ok, so this season was clearly intended to come out AFTER
Ironheart.
--You know, you guys could've just ridden off without the kid & there wouldn't be jack crap he could've done about it.
--"Don't stray too far, Morris!" Morris immediately strays too far.
--Better get this baby up to 88 mph!
--Walter Goggins is a great old-west name. So is Sonny Burch, for that matter.
--Uh-oh, somebody's getting high on his own extradimensional supply.
--What in the Polar Express?
--Kid needs to be the trout in the milk already.
--A brainwashed army ain't "liberating" anything.
--The living aren't done with you yet, Burch.
--...but they do, in fact, appear to be done with Xialing.
--So wearing the Hood makes you crazy, got it.
--I see what you did there, Kate.
--"Your parents were meddlesome fools, too. Mark my words, Uatu. One day soon you are going to meet the same sticky end."
--
Overall consequences: Obviously everything's happening about 150 years early in this world, but the REAL consequences are behind the cosmic scenes; Watcher is in troooouble!
#3.07 "...the Watcher Disappeared?"
--We're back to Nova Corps Nebula, & it looks like she got a promotion!
--Peggy, you had me scared there for a sec with that ship!
--Yup, she's a Captain Britain now. Effing called it.
--Byrdie sounds like Rogue.
--You know what happens to an interdimensional squid monster when it's struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else.
--This is Eminence's fault; he can't blame Uatu for this.
--Opening credits: I see what you did there.
--Jerkface, he WAS protecting your order by stopping Infinity Ultron.
--You can't be a heretic of a faith you don't even know exists.
--Remember when they tried to make Crash Dummies a narrative franchise with toys?
--"So metal!" Yes, uru metal, to be precise.
--This is an awful stupid idea. IronVision Riri could do the same thing but without the risk of omnicide.
--Hold up, did the other Guardians of the Multiverse all die or something?
--This Ultron variant kinda looks like Apocalypse.
--Does
Gary Darcy ever get that
apple butter donut? (That one's for my What I Like About You peeps.)
--Wow, actual learning & regret? And at only the cost of a universe worth of people?
--"You said with that shard, you can see everything, but can you see--" why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
--Part 1 of 2, so we can't talk consequence yet.
#3.08 "...What If?"
--This title is useless.
--Ooh, a flashback!
--Wrong, Eminence; it's an *extremely* relevant question.
--So these guys are just the documentary crew from Drop Dead Gorgeous.
--How's he supposed to reach a conclusion if he can't evaluate anything?
--Wait, what did he do for Madisynn?
--Well, looks like that question was pretty freaking important!
--Sirs, you
absolutely have a point of view of your own.
--Seerow's Kindness was a deeply flawed policy.
--It's really hard to tell these 4 apart.
--Heh, it's like the Wakandan shields from Infinity War.
--FALCON KICK!
--Did she just cut him in half!?
--FALCON KNEE!
--He took too long chargin' Malaysia.
--For your Emmy consideration: Alison Sealy-Smith.
--Well, if you didn't teach him everything, then why would you expect him to know it?
--These douches are gonna wipe out every version of SHIELD, of the Avengers, & of the X-Men. That's a pretty freaking huge intervention, hypocrites.
--Good to see final redemption for Strange Supreme.
--He can just leave you here; he doesn't have to kill you anymore.
--I have a hunch there is, in fact, a road after this one. Maybe we'll learn more about it later.
--This is a very cool ending.
--"The one problem with subtitles is, whenever I see 'Uatu' on there, I'm thinking 'Utah'." ~my wife
--
Overall consequences: Significant, but not as much as you'd think. This one specific variant of Captain Carter is dead, but because of how she died, might still be present in some way. The Exiles are stronger, but they were already doing multiversal heroism, so that's likely what they'll continue doing. The overseeing Watchers are depowered, but they literally weren't doing anything anyway.
Executive Summary: Most creative batch of concepts from the whole run, but I wish there'd been 9 episodes again. Better finale than S2, albeit not as good as S1.
And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"
