Living together before marriage - thoughts?

[ZeldaGirl]

For my thesis, part of my research included investigating these statistics. Most show that couples living together before marriage can be detrimental to a relationship, leading to a breaking off of the relationship before marriage, or the marriage being at an increased risk for divorce. But new trends also show that couples who cohabit with the intention of marrying soon, and only cohabiting for a short time while having a strong commitment to one another have the same success rate as couples who wait to live together until they are married.

So, my question is this - what are your personal thoughts on the topic? Is it right? Wrong? Is there a gray area?


This may or may not be a personal question...>_>

[Deepfake]

If anyone tells me it's wrong, they're directly insulting me. Just saying. Even before I married (and especially up to), I was pretty sick of hearing opinions on the subject from people that've never known a truly happy relationship.

[Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds]

Well, I only have my own experience to go on for this one, which is already out of the ordinary. Nevertheless, AI and I lived together for six weeks before we got married, and having the wedding itself didn't change anything between us. We probably fall within the range of "short time", and for whatever it's worth, we're approaching four and a half years of marriage. ;)

I think if there is a trend towards long-term living together before the wedding coinciding with relationship problems, it probably has a lot to do with the perception that being married will be something different. If you live together for a short time before you get married, your life changes are happening so close together that marriage just adds to the change in relationship dynamics. If you've already been living together, though, and expect something to change with the wedding, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment and unrealistic expectations.

[Bomby]

Honestly, I think it's kind of a bad idea not to, although I guess the numbers are kind of against me.

[Fairlight Excalibur]

You all probably knew this was coming, but...

It is wrong, based on my religious inclinations. I will readily admit that I have not researched any statistics, however, my relationship has been happy and stable for years despite having never lived together (or even spent the night together for that matter) prior to marriage.

Apparently, you can have a solid relationship either way.

[ZeldaGirl]

^Thanks for sharing. :)


I'd like to hear reasons for both. Why is it good? Why is it bad? Beyond just 'religious', I guess. :)

[Fairlight Excalibur]

I am being beckoned away from my computer as we speak, so I will provide a list of reasons (both religious and otherwise) for your consideration (and possible amusement) tomorrow morning. Maybe. :)

Also, why are you not playing mafia with us this time around?

[Bomby]

My whole reason for believing that living together before marriage is a good thing is because it should be a good test run for what marriage is going to be like. It may even be a good thing that the couples who lived together broke up - they might have found that they were not a good match at all. I imagine it's a bit easier to move away to two separate places as an unmarried couple than it is to get a divorce.

Also, waiting until marriage to live together can also be a sign of the same types of values that would discourage the institution of divorce in the first place, no matter what the circumstances.

[ZeldaGirl]

^^About to graduate, so I'm super busy. Sorry - next time. :)

Thanks, both of you. :)

[United Nations]

I agree with Bomby. If you can't live together before marriage, what makes anyone think that putting a ring on it will change your living conditions? I do think it depends on the couple though. Some people need the stability that a marriage brings because it means permanency. I've seen other couples live together for years and then get married and nothing really changed except maybe that they grew more mature as a couple.

[LOOT]

Nothing "wrong" with it, methinks, but it seems to be more of something that should be decided by the couple.

Like I mentioned before, two of my friends are now living together in their own apartment. A little soon, maybe, but it seems like their relationship has been real stable lately.

[Deku Tree]

I basically lived with my wife and her roommate for a few years during college. Nobody has ever really explained the religious opposition to the practice to me, unless there's an assumption of premarital sex involved.

I don't have a basis for comparison, but I don't think it has caused any problems between us.

[Deepfake]

Nope, sorry Deku, gotta get divorced now. Them's the brakes.

[Marilink]

I basically lived with my wife and her roommate for a few years during college. Nobody has ever really explained the religious opposition to the practice to me, unless there's an assumption of premarital sex involved.

I don't have a basis for comparison, but I don't think it has caused any problems between us.

It's not necessarily the assumption of premarital sex, but it's the impression that could it could possibly give off to other people. You don't want to cause offense, basically.

[Deku Tree]

How's about I see where this one goes, and if it doesn't work out I'll agree not to move in with my next wife even after we're married?

[Bomby]

I'm also a large proponent of premarital sex, by the way.

[ZeldaGirl]

You don't want to cause offense, basically.

Psh. People are offended by anything and everything. It's just something I can't wrap my mind around - why does that offend someone else - something that has no actual impact on that other person? I could understand them being concerned for someone's soul or whatever, but offense?

I'm also a large proponent of premarital sex, by the way.

I agree - that plays a huge part in knowing if a relationship will last.

[heh]

re: your statistics in the OP: don't think "breaking up before even marrying" is a valid statistic for "failed marriage due to living together" because nothing in those cases say they would not break up even if they married before moving in. I bet if you removed those cases from the study the final result would go the other way.

Its kind of a difficult thing to study because you don't have a rewind button for relationships

also i don't think its wrong anyway

[Valigarmander]

I think living together before marriage is fine. But after marriage, they should live apart from each other.

[Marilink]

I could understand them being concerned for someone's soul or whatever, but offense?

Isn't that basically the same thing in a case like this?