My life is a nightmare.

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

Warning, wall of whiny text incoming:

I just don't know what to do. It's embarrassing and shameful but for the last 15 years I've done an outstanding job of ruining my life, year after year continuing long term mistakes like a snowball effect and making new ones to compound the overall hell which is my existence. I've wasted my life, and some mistakes can't be fixed...for years, but more and more every day, I've woke up with nothing but a desire to never wake up, at least not to this, and roll back over to sleep. I used to go to bed thinking, "tomorrow it changes" and would meticulously detail plans for how I'd wake up early and set about this new journey, and finally set an alarm, really believing it as if it were possible. At least I skip that part of the process now.

Ah, but I have clean water and nobody is trying to behead me, I don't have terminal cancer and I wasn't born without any limbs, so I should be thankful. I know that...and I am, as much as a person in suffering can be. I can only blame circumstance for some of this, it's my own weakness which allowed it to spiral out of control. Everything seems like a big web of simple yet daunting problems spun specifically to trap me like this forever. There's no clear "first step" to altering this path toward destruction I'm on, nothing I am capable of doing.

It's now at the point where I can't go anywhere, do anything, or talk to anybody. There's no real help available, at least not for free, so I guess I'll just be rotting until I die. Having trouble even sleeping, health's going, hygiene's shot, depression intensifying, hope lost. Vicious cycle.

Sitting here with a wet keyboard praying in what seems like vain, I can't help but wish I had never been born. I can't kill myself but I don't want to linger, so my life has become a painful limbo. Without divine intervention or hitting the lottery there's no realistic way for me to get through this. All I can do is cry out online, at least it will alleviate this misery and the torment I put myself through for a moment.

Maybe the worst part of it is I'm always restless and anxious because there's a nagging part of me that knows it could have been different. It should have been...but it won't be. Well, I guess it will but it only gets worse from here. I'm supposed to be stronger than this but I guess everyone has their limits. I've internalized it well for a long time, I think. Can't very well hide it at all now.

...Well that wasn't pathetic.

[Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds]

I'm really proud of you for opening up and sharing this. It's such a hard series of feelings to deal with on your own and you're brave for talking about it. We love you, and we're here with you.

The first step is getting medical help. Depression is a literal physical illness and can be treated. There are resources for low income people to get the treatment they need (I will try and find some specific services for you to look into, but it might be state-by-state, or even a city-based thing, so you may need to search for it locally). I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you're going through.

It sounds like your good intentions have overwhelmed you. Try and do one single thing to improve yourself at a time. Just one. And celebrate the days you successfully do that one thing, while forgiving yourself the days you can't manage it. Plan for one thing, one day, one moment at a time. It will get better.

[ZeldaGirl]

I'm PMing you, but know that it takes a huge amount of courage to even voice these things (even if that just means writing them down). It can be hard and scary to come to terms with difficult things, but know that you in fact are not alone. I agree with SD, you should try finding professional help. I wish you all the best.

[Marilink]

SD and ZG have spoken well. Thank you for having the courage to admit all of that.

Knowing your background, I won't hesitate to add this advice to what the ladies have already said: Pray. Even if it feels like the whole world is against you, you've got a God who is on your side and will listen to you when you talk to him. Remember that Jesus was completely abandoned and alone in the garden just hours before his death. He always meets you where you're at, because he's been there himself. The truth is that you're never alone, because he's always there. And he died and rose for your sake--there's no barrier between you and your loving Father anymore, because Christ took away your sin. So ask, seek, and knock just like Jesus said to do, and go to him in prayer when things are feeling rough. Even if his answer isn't apparent or isn't what you would expect, he always knows what's best for his children.

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

I appreciate everyone here, I'm sure I come off as a prick but you're all the best friends I have. My few friends I have in real life, I'm not even sure they're good for me but that's something else...

I don't think I could even talk to another person, and I don't even know what it would achieve now. Maybe I could find some kind of mental help but I've let myself go too much. I'm losing my health, I'm a visual embarrassment, and I've wasted the best years of my life. Maybe I can have some pills crammed down my throat that make me feel okay, or talk to a person who is payed and trained to talk to me so I feel okay, but I won't be okay. That ship has sailed...The problems I went through don't seem like much, they're easily dismissible, nobody would even understand why I'm such a mess now. I just seem like I'm lazy to people, and I actually hid behind that excuse to seem somewhat normal, but I'm broken. Before, if I had the right mind or maybe the courage to actually force myself to be a real person then I wouldn't be stuck like this, but I am.

Basically the only thing I can take comfort in is that I'm not completely alone, and that's a blessing, but I'll never be able to be a part of society or function normally, or accomplish anything at all in any way. I can't be normal. It makes it a little easier to be able to talk to you guys, my family, and to a much lesser degree, my "friends," but just knowing I'm going to stay paralyzed in this state forever is frightening. It's like a car crash in slow motion.

I will pray, ML, thanks. God is the only hope I can have now.

[Deepfake]

Mate, for what it's worth I really think you have got the ability to find peace of mind. To address any problems you have is to begin by labeling your problems one by one and dealing with them one by one. You're saying everything's messed up, and maybe it is, but fixing yourself is a lot like moving house. I don't try to carry everything at once, because I can't. I try to organise my possessions and put like with like and make sure it's all in movable quantities first, and then move it piece by piece.

I am more than willing to talk to you here or in private if you need a hand with anything. But I will tell you right now, that the future isn't based exclusively on the past. Letting go of your past mistakes and objectively analysing and understanding your coping behaviors which you have allowed to get in your way will create new possibilities for yourself. Let me know what you're thinking in a PM if you've got the time.

[smol Kat]

Get yourself well, and make the years to come the best years of your life. (:

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

Mate, for what it's worth I really think you have got the ability to find peace of mind. To address any problems you have is to begin by labeling your problems one by one and dealing with them one by one. You're saying everything's messed up, and maybe it is, but fixing yourself is a lot like moving house. I don't try to carry everything at once, because I can't. I try to organise my possessions and put like with like and make sure it's all in movable quantities first, and then move it piece by piece.

That's really good advice I wish I had before. Not sure where I could even begin now. There are certain barriers I don't know how to overcome, but if I can make it through them then I'll definitely keep the advice in mind so I don't fall into a bad place again.

Thanks for the offer, truly appreciate it. When I can better articulate myself I'll drop you a line.

Get yourself well, and make the years to come the best years of your life. (:

Thanks, I'll try. I'm hoping I can get my life on track by or before my 30th birthday. It's unrealistic, I think, but I really would hate to enter my 30's like this.

[Rubber Band Man]

I think the only thing I can add to everyone's advice is to realize that your life is far from over and that it might take a little time to get yourself to a place of stability. Just understand that because that's the biggest piece of it.

No matter what help you get, it'll be in vain if you go into with the mindset of "this will be over in x amount of time". Let life take its course, continue to pray and take the necessary steps. You will be okay in the end.

I am praying for you my friend.

[smol Kat]

I think it'll help to not think of numbers but to focus on your end goal and the steps to get there.

....which is p.much what andre said hi andre!!!!

[I REALLY HATE POKEMON!]

^^ Thank you for the prayer and advice.

^ It's hard not to but I think worrying about it wouldn't help regardless....

Welp, this has been really eating at me harder and harder. Sleep is tough, staying asleep is more tough, and what I suppose are panic attacks are now sending me to the hospital, and now I'm always worried they're going to come again. Generally hits hardest at night, before bed or I'll wake up in panic. Maybe part of it is the infection I'm dealing with and the pain, I don't know, but I'm not doing too good at all in any way, shape, or form. I shouldn't talk like that though, gotta keep telling myself everything is okay, hold it together, God's taking care of it.

Everything seems really hard, even thinking about it is. I just sound like I'm complaining, I guess I am, but this sucks...

[Swordmaster Link]

There's not much more I can add because a lot of it has been said very well already, but this point is always worth repeating: even summoning the courage to say all of these things takes more fortitude than you might know, and you should really give yourself credit for that. Just know that it is very common to have a sense of feeling trapped in situations like this, and like AI said, being able to label those problems in a way that can be broken down is very comforting and therapeutic in and of itself. What Dre said is really really important too - this is something that takes time to address, and you don't have to put pressure on yourself to "fix it" within a certain period of time. A lot of the time, these patterns develop in part because it helps you deal with life, so any small progress toward improvement is worth celebrating. Be patient with yourself. A lot of the time, these patterns persist not necessarily because of the situations themselves, but the meaning that we assign to them. My quick advice, aside from what's already been said - as best you can, try to stay in the present moment and be mindful of when you might be overly critical of yourself. You have a community here that has shown that they're ready and willing to lend a hand, and I promise you that can be more powerful than any problem you might have or encounter in the future.

And there should be low cost options in terms of mental health services, but as SD said it can depend on your local area. We're here to help!

[ScottyMcGee]

I meant to reply to this earlier but **** work life got in the way.

When faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, the best way to go about them is methodically. Similar to how you would decide what enemies to attack first in an RPG; think first of your strengths and weaknesses, and from that then decide whether to tackle the easiest or the hardest things first. Other times are more complicated, as you have to keep healing yourself while multitasking with a particular foe.

On another note, I find that it's always nice to have something to look forward to - even if it's a glass of water.