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Well, VGF looks... different.

I've been inactive lately, not just on VGF, but on the whole internet. Well... some things have happened during the last few months. I don't particularly like getting personal or broadcasting my problems, but I think sharing might help me out with what I'm going through.

I know many people here don't really know much about me. If you can't tell, I'm a very reserved person, and terribly shy, I have been my whole life. I find it hard to talk to and connect with people, especially those I don't know. It's difficult not to think that everyone judges everything I say and produce, one of my most frequent fears is making a fool out of myself or saying something stupid. Even on the internet, where I have time to put thought into what I want to say, it's still nerve-wracking for me, and it's only seemed to have gotten worse over time. That's why I've become more inactive on the forums over the years, I feel out of place, like I just get in the way and have nothing to contribute. I'll irregularly post some of my art, or reply to a thread here and there, but I'm reluctant to engage in any discussion or talk to individual people. In real life, it's even worse, just the act of speaking is hard for me, I trip over my words, I sometimes have to pause and restart a whole sentence. That, along with my shyness and social anxiety, makes communication extremely hard for me.

I learned several months ago that I have Asperger's Syndrome, and I'm not saying that to give myself an "edgy" or attention-seeking label, I was diagnosed by a professional psychiatrist. It was nothing I had really considered before, but it made perfect sense when I thought about it. I've always had lackluster social skills, intense interests, trouble expressing myself, deep thoughts, short attention span, pretty much everything associated with Asperger's, I had just never put two and two together. At first it didn't bother me, it didn't change my life in any way, it just gave me a name for my behavior and way of thinking. But at the same time, it bothered me, to think that this shyness and disconnect was hard-wired into me. It's manageable, but it's not curable.

So, because of all of this, I've been having a very hard time adjusting to the onset of my adult life, and I've developed a lot of anxiety problems. I took some college classes for a semester, and it was a nightmare. Almost all of my classes required working in groups, communicating with other students, talking in front of the class. By the end of the semester, I had failed all but one of my classes. I only passed my algebra class cause it was stuff I already knew, and all I had to do was sit in back of the class and barely pay attention while drawing in my notebook. Worst of all, I ended up having two anxiety attacks. One was during a public speaking class that for whatever reason I thought was a good idea to take (I ended up dropping the class after a week), and another was in the middle of an English composition class while giving a presentation. For those who haven't experienced an anxiety attack... imagine an intense feeling of dread and fear, and you panic because you feel like you're trapped and it'll never stop. After all of that, I decided that maybe college wasn't going to work out for me right now, so I didn't go back.

A few months later, I decided maybe I should try getting a job. Maybe having money would give me some more freedom, and the resulting comfort would help me with my anxiety. My first interview was awful (I kept freezing up while trying to answer the questions), but my second one went surprisingly better, and I got the job. It was just pushing shopping carts outside of a retail store, but hey, I wasn't being picky. Things were looking good for once. ...But it didn't last long. After going through training for a week, I worked one day, and ended up having another anxiety attack. Having to work around people, having to maneuver machines around a busy parking lot, working in an unfamiliar part of town completely on my own... It was too much for me. I spent a whole day weighing my options, trying to convince myself that it would get better, but in my state of mind, the only decision I felt I could make was to quit, and that's decision I made in the end. I quit the next day.

It's been a little over a month since then. Having to quit my first job because of anxiety was a huge hit to my psyche, and coming to terms with the fact that a mental illness is keeping me from functioning in the adult world has left me pretty depressed. I haven't posted much of anything anywhere on the internet lately, not here, not on Facebook, not on deviantART. And I've had next to no motivation to work on my art and writing.

But there have been glimpses of hope. My grandmother, as most grandmothers are, has been the most understanding and reassuring out of anyone. She insisted that I should see a medical doctor and have me start taking medication to help me out, and that she would help me do so. But, the most unexpected source of hope, was from an episode of Game Grumps:

[media=youtube]MfTNZLssib4[/media]

I couldn't help but cry while watching that. The Game Grumps, of all people, made me shed tears. Hearing Danny share his story really boosted my spirits, and made me realize that I'm not alone. These problems happen to a lot of people, even the people who just seem to be there to make us laugh, and they get through it. I hope I can do the same.

So yeah, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm alive, and what's been going on with me. It's been going slow, but I'm really trying to get the help I need to get through this, medical or not. I just thought perhaps sharing here could help in the meantime, and maybe I could hear some reassurance or advice. If there's anything I've learned from my many years on these forums, it's that you guys are always friendly and welcoming, and have a lot of wisdom to share.

*giant hugs* I'm so happy to see you back, Spritedude and sorry to hear of your stresses.

My apologies; I'll be back to respond better tomorrow. I am practically falling asleep at my laptop and cannot offer anything sensible right now...

Have this grinnie in the meantime... (it's just for you!)

I'm the same way, bro. I always have been. Ask anyone who met me at Chicago, and they'll tell you what Val is like in real life. Though I've never been diagnosed with anything other than social anxiety and clinical depression, but I feel like I've faced a lot of the same problems as you.

The best way to overcome social anxieties is to put yourself in social situations. You don't have to throw yourself right in, but you can start small. Like making small talk with a stranger, like the cashier at the store or something. Something like, "So how's your day going?" or "Freezing out, innit?" It might sound stupid, but as someone who tends to just stand around silently most of the time, I feel accomplished each time I'm able to just do that. It doesn't even have to be a stranger. Just try to say a little more to your family or friends. Start a conversation. Ask them what's going on in their lives. When you feel ready, taking speech classes or reading poetry at a club or something like that can really help. It will seem scary, but I can't even describe to you how good it will feel once you finish. I didn't volunteer to give a speech at my graduation because I wasn't close to draining my bladder into my graduation gown at the thought of speaking in front of the entire Class of 2009 and their families, but because I knew it would be one of the best opportunities I'd ever get to look my anxiety in the eye and tell it to bite me. And it was one of the best experiences of my life.

As for online discussion, I've had problems here as well. Though I'm much better communicating through a keyboard than I am face-to-face, I've still found myself anxious about sharing my opinions and things. But like all things, it just takes practice. Start small. Just post a few sentences in some thread. Maybe later on, post a paragraph. Be open. Share your thoughts. The more you do it, the easier it will come out. And especially here. You're among friends. Nobody here will ever judge you or look down at you for your ability to express yourself. We're all here to help.

Asperger's is just a label. Don't let it define you. I may not know everything you're going through, but having some experience, I hope I'm able to help. Never give up on yourself.

Back again!!! Had my sleep and ready to help in some small way, if I can.

Val has given some really good advice but let me add to that.

First, your description of your anxiety is familiar... lots of people struggle with public situations. Even as simple as introducing themselves in a group. You're not alone and there are things you can do to help yourself. And there are actually others who empathise with the situation (for example, being nervous doing a presentation) and will feel sorry for you.

To get through this, you need to want to change. Make a goal or two. Make them achievable goals. Perhaps, your first goal can be to smile at a stranger whilst making eye contact as you walk past them. Then the next goal can be to say hello to the person at the checkout and ask them how their day has been. Making goals means you can feel proud of accomplishing things. ;)

Don't forget to smile. It relaxes you and they're contagious!!! *smiles through screen at you* See?

Facing your fears will make you stronger. Avoiding the situations might make you feel better now, but really it just prevents you from becoming more comfortable in social situations and learning how to cope. You need some steps in facing them. And you need to work through the steps remembering that progress forward can be difficult and even seem to stall or go backwards. If you stay with it, you can get to your goal.

I don't know the order of the steps but try the following:

Challenge all negative thought processes. Spritedude... let me show you. "I've always had ... trouble expressing myself, ..." ~Spritedude. So, I honestly think that isn't always true. You have expressed yourself very well in your OP. Well done and congratulations!!! You did a great job of expressing yourself. You explained things clearly and with enough information to give us an opportunity to understand you and offer to help you. (Positive compliments when you accomplish things is also important and friends do that!!) Acknowledging compliments is simple - you say thanks! And see, you've interacted in a positive way!!! ;)

Positive thoughts are important. Having positive affirmations makes a difference but you have to be willing to actually do them.

Example of a positive affirmation: I can express myself well, clearly and with ease. Say it out loud. Smile while you say it. Then believe it. Say it out loud each day for as long as you need. (Yes, I have done this. It makes me smile now just to remember it.)

Next, approaching people. When you talk to people ask "open questions". To clarify this, don't ask a question that can answered with either 'yes' or 'no'. Example: What do you like about winter? (As opposed to a close question: do you like winter?)

You can also practice asking questions on us (make a thread..."Spritedude asks..," then post a question every couple of days asking us something. It helps to practice things that may not come natural.

When you are faced with a situation that makes you feel nervous and anxious, you need to control your breathing. B-R-E-A-T-H-E slowly in through your nose, open your lips very slightly and breathe slowly out of your mouth. Practice while you are at home. If you get anxious just thinking about public speaking, then start to do the slow breathing. Concentrate.

Be patient and gentle with yourself. This will take time and there will be mistakes made along the way. Remind yourself to learn from any mistakes.

Your diagnosis of Asperger's really is confirmation that you are going to need to work harder in social situations than someone who is naturally gregarious. However, that said, if you are depressed, you need to factor in that as well.

I have posted the following with regard to depression before and so will just quote it again:

Originally posted by me somewhere:
Disclaimer; I am not a doctor. The following are suggestions and if you try them, I hope they work for you. Of course, if your depression is worsening or interferes with your ability to do things or seems severe and you lose interest in doing even things you enjoy, you really need to see a doctor and trust that they will do their best to help you.

I know you are a student and not much money for now. SO. Sunlight. It is VERY important to take advantage of ALL and any sunlight you can get during the winter months. Unfortunately, you need it direct on your skin and so many people can get seasonal depression during winter and feel much lower than in summer. You need a minimum of 20 minutes a day on your chest, if possible, at the brightest part of the day. If the UV rating is high, or you have photo-sensitivity, then you need to consider supplementing. If you can afford Vit D3 tablets, then do so and take 6 of them each day you don't get any/much sunlight.

Vit C is sooooo important, too, and is used in conjunction with other vitamins to treat mild depression.

Also folate (Vit B9) has been linked to depression if your levels are low. Eat dark green leafy vegetables (spinach, kale), other vegetables and fruit to get folate. Or again, if you afford it, take a supplement either a multi B or just folic acid/folate.

Try to limit your intake of sugar, but don't go the way of artificial sweeteners or high fructose corn sugar/sweetener. Sugar gives you a feel-good but as your blood-sugar levels drop afterwards, you may find you feel worse later. Examples - drink water instead of sodas, have a piece of fruit instead of pastries/cakes/doughnuts.

Eat protein every day in the form of eggs, cheese, fish and healthy meat (turkey is awesome if you like that). Also include legumes and nuts for the magnesium. And sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds for their benefits.

Try to eat fruit and vegetables each day. Especially an apple a day.

Drink water. Reduce caffeine intake for the same reasons as I stated for sugar... feel good for a while...

Try some rosehip tea. Or a cup of warm milk (organic if you can get it) with a little honey in it.

If you are not eating the best, you should consider a multivitamin for men and also a fish oil supplement.

Sleep. Really, get a good night's sleep. Go to bed around the same time and get up 8 - 9 hours later (everyone is different...). Don't eat in the 2 hours before bed time and don't drink caffeine in the 4 hours before bed time.

Any time you need to talk, then talk. A problem shared... is a problem halved... If not to someone in person, then come here to talk.

Exercise... go for a walk if you don't do anything else.

Keep yourself busy so you don't brood on problems. Learn something different. Examples - card tricks, coin tricks, a language - things that require good concentration.

Lastly, hug your grandmother many times. Hugs make it all better and grandmothers have special magic... *gives you another grinnie* This grinnie doesn't mind if you need to squeeze it, too!!

I wish you luck, Sprite, and I hope you get that help. You'll get through this.

Spritedude wrote:one of my most frequent fears is making a fool out of myself or saying something stupid. Even on the internet...

I'm guilty of that. Just ask Marchie or ML. :P

Worst of all, I ended up having two anxiety attacks. One was during a public speaking class that for whatever reason I thought was a good idea to take (I ended up dropping the class after a week), and another was in the middle of an English composition class while giving a presentation. For those who haven't experienced an anxiety attack... imagine an intense feeling of dread and fear, and you panic because you feel like you're trapped and it'll never stop.

Almost happened to me once. I felt like my head was going to explode.

I just thought perhaps sharing here could help in the meantime, and maybe I could hear some reassurance or advice. If there's anything I've learned from my many years on these forums, it's that you guys are always friendly and welcoming, and have a lot of wisdom to share.

We'll be here for you, friend.

Sprite! I'm really happy to see you posting, I gotta admit.

From the perspective of someone who thinks a lot of these symptoms are a part of being an artist and learning to self-criticize so heavily that we internalize all things, and try to use them to learn about ourselves, please let me share a few ideas. I am really completely 100% sure I might have no idea what I'm doing at most times. I have the ability to miss-assess a situation, and often times afterwards I have the ability to review what was said, etc, and I will see that I did.

The one thing I have to understand about this is, I am not the only person not in control of how reality communicates itself to me. None of us are in control of that. We try to be in control, and have a plan, control and skill and a clear vision is what we expect. It's the fallacy of control, overall. We are taught that to live well we need grace and dignity, and we are also taught that these things are something that cannot be easily learned or obtained. This is very frustrating.

Many of these things are delivered to us out of sequence, before we are ready and before we realize what challenge we've encountered. We weary as we get older and at some point it can all seem like you're only losing ground. These aren't necessarily qualities about yourself that you're learning from what you see as your failures. They're evidence that you've lived, they're experiences and challenges you didn't ask for.

HotD is right, you can set the terms for success. Others try to push their own terms on you, but you can choose to internalize those terms. Remembering to participate in acknowledging what is a valid accomplishment on your terms is an important part of life. It's no great flaw not to have been told that, or not to have discovered it yourself. Many great people experience depression and anxiety and dejection even during what others believe to be the "high-point" of their life.

Anyway, I'll bug you in private and end this since it's getting lengthy and probably sounding a bit lofty. Thanks always for hanging about.

Good to see you, Other SD (get it?)!

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been diagnosed this way. Let’s take a closer look at this case.

First of all, from my experience, I’ve learned that a lot of diseases—physical or mental—start with the sheer thought of disease (think of when The Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper psyched himself into catching a cold). So whenever you start to think about your condition, tell that thought to shut its mouth, and don’t let it ruin your day. Don’t be afraid to be strong (I don’t mean strong as in animalistic, but strong as in firm) when confronting it. You never need to let your life be governed by fear.

You know, I understand that unfamiliar social situations can be scary. But these people don’t know who you are yet, so you don’t have to assume that they’re out to get you or anything. Still, however, first impressions are important (I could write an entire book filled with examples from my life about such a concept). When approaching new people, show them your good side. Show them that you’re unafraid, confident, but always willing to give to other people. Convince them you’ve got an innate desire to do good. The joy you give to others is the joy that comes back to you. If you can show you’re a good student, a good employee, or a just good friend, your professors, employers, and friends will give an equal amount of good to you.

I like what HotD and now AI said about the definition of success as well. What truly determines success is a person’s decisions—not family, not wealth. Decide today and every day on what good you plan to do, and the happiness you receive in return will make you richer than Steve Jobs. Don’t spend so much time thinking about the distant future; just set goals for today, and these will be your baby steps towards larger goals of tomorrow.

To summarize, success in life is a matter of switching off the fear and switching on the happy.

It is here I present you with a KR Signal (here you go). Shine it in the sky whenever someone is mean to you in a social situation, and I’ll arrive just in time.

Heya there Spritedude!

Major life changes can be anxiety-inducing for anyone, whether that be starting school, starting a job, finishing school, or anything. It's important to remember that you have a support system, certainly here at VGF, and that everything will work out in good time...even if you don't know what the solution is.

You seem to be handling it all pretty well, and you're a smart person. You'll get by fine. The only advice I have is not to let a diagnosis restrict you. You're capable of overcoming your problems, I'm sure of it. Stay around!

Good luck, buddy.

I really struggle with posting on VGF too. I'm just afraid of repeating something someone else has said better or sounding really stupid. I'm still working on it. I don't have the balls to post my opinions on a lot of things mostly because it feels like everyone else's opinions sound so put together and sure. Eh, just know you're not alone. I don't have any real advice for it, but just know that I never would have known you felt that way, Sprite.

Anxiety is a common theme here it seems. You arent alone dude, no matter what you tell yourself