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I figured i'd post this here, even though a lot of bridges have been burned. I need a place to vent and... well you guys often have some pretty good insight and i never feel like i'll be ostracized for saying how i feel. Not that i need insight right now.

Life is... life is interesting right now. I started a course to become an EMT with my endgoal being that i work as an ER technician, and possibly finish to start medschool despite being 23. I figure maybe somehow i can save enough money to work it out. I have a lot of doubts though... I dont really trust that i can do it and it makes me feel horrible thinking about it and thinking i'll fail. I try convincing myself otherwise and despite having an A in the class... i just dont know if i have the mechanical skill to pull it off; im clumsy, scatterbrained and spacey and those are three things that could be potentially horrible in this field...

I started school about 5 weeks ago and since then, i have not had so much as an iota of time to myself. I go to school monday and wednesday from 10 am to 10 pm and every other day i work 8am to 5pm. It's exhausting. I guess i just miss my free time... the worst of it (and this sounds really stupid) is that i dont ever get to sleep in anymore. I just want freedom and i feel like i dont have, and never will get it. I guess freedom is what you sacrifice in order to gain a better life but i'm left to wonder: is it worth it?

In the end i tell myself it is, but i'm not sure if it's because i believe that or because I have no other options.

I feel like i'm drowning in the world and sometimes it's just a hard pill to swallow. For some reason i've been thinking about death a lot lately and that scares the hell out of me. Not so much the thought of dying itself as the thought of never living again. I think it might be because of my class this is happening.

I cant really even talk to my RL friends about this because i feel like it will burden them... hell i even live with my gf and i can barely tell her anything because i dont want you to worry, yet here i am spilling my soul to a bunch of people online and honestly this is probably too long for some of you to even read.

At the end of the day, i dont really know if I care that you read it or not, I guess i just care that I have somewhere to put it.

All i know is that i'll keep on going till i'm in the dirt or my head explodes from stress and the latter is looking like a pretty option right about now.

- - - Updated - - -

Finish my associates and start medschool*

The latter is looking like a pretty good option*

Stupid phone.

I am all three of those clumsiness-related things.

Do you notice as much when you're on the job?

It's definitely not stupid to want freedom (nor to sleep in, especially if your body is used to doing so). Something to keep in mind is that when you're finished with school, and you've started work, is you aren't going to have quite the ridiculous hours you have right now. Sure, you'll probably spend a lot of time on call, but it won't always be like it is now. You also won't have two jobs [school, wherever the hell it is you work now] like you do right now. Oh! And you won't necessarily have to study ALL the time or take your work home with you. Sometimes it's a good idea, but it won't be constant like it is for school.

I was in that position during my student teaching. Not getting enough sleep, long hours, balancing course work & job work, almost every hour spoken for. That becomes so much better after school, especially if you can get a solid job (like being an EMT! ;) ) so you won't have to get a second job or constantly be hunting or anything.
Feel free to vent to us any time you want, man. And don't write off your offline friends, either; they'll still be there for you too. :)

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

It's a good thing to doubt yourself when you are entering a new field and you should keep doing it through out your whole carrier as it helps you to stay in perspective.

Other thing is that i get the feeling you are having second thoughts about the whole ordeal and my tip in general would be if you feel it is worth the time investment do it if you think it is something you can appreciate and have fulfilment out of.

Take Economical topics out of the Long time perspective and look into what makes you happy instead.

And i really think you should speak with your girlfriend and friends about this i mean if you can't speak with them who are you going to speak to, sure we count to some extent but i can imagine that some people closer to you give you another kind of reassurance.

And from what i can see from your post you are having trouble relaxing and take your mind off things it's not that hard to do my tip is 20 minutes with Tetris, crosswords or a Sudoku every evening before bedtime it should help you clear your head before going to sleep.

First, you are always welcome to 'spill your soul' to us... *hugs tight* but really, you also probably need to talk with those who know you and can offer you immediate support.

Congratulations on starting a course which will lead to an amazing career. Having doubts is normal but if you feel they are outweighing the positives of doing what you are doing, you can do a couple of things; like, make some positive affirmations and look at them every time you have doubts (Keep them in your phone for ease of access...) and you can talk with the school counsellor (or instructors, if you don't have access to the counsellor) and tell them your doubts or you can come here for whatever support we can give. And about the 'clumsiness, scatterbrained and spacey' bit, it is my belief that with enough training and practice, you will be focused and react in the way you have been trained when you need to be. Trust in yourself!!!

About the exhaustion and freedom... if you cannot have any days off, then you need to find other ways to relax and sleep more. Perhaps you can go to bed an hour earlier some nights? Do you fall asleep easily? If not, perhaps practice some meditation beforehand... even if you can't meditate (brain keeps interrupting with thinking), try just standing under the shower and humming tunelessly and listen to the tune-less sounds you're making or if you have the luxury of a bath, soaking in a deep bath and again, humming tunelessly. The humming part will help keep your brain from thinking of the stresses you feel... thereby giving you a break from them.

Remind yourself that school is not forever, that there is an end date and write it down. If it seems so far away, you could always work out how many days between now and then... then also work out how many days you've been alive (use the internet if you can't be bothered working it out for yourself) and compare the two... ;)

If the thoughts of death get worse or you can't shake them, PLEASE talk to your girlfriend, parents, friends, and us. There are organisations that you can call and speak to people who will help you talk though stuff because they care. Leaving you a link... because I care... http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/USA

Eat well. It's important that while you are feeling stressed, that you eat well. Try to limit sugar, caffeine and high-in-fat foods. You might feel 'better' quickly after consuming those, but it'll be temporary. Drink enough water. Your body needs it. ;)

And always remember that you can come here to chat with any of us...


Believe in yourself... and know that you are a great person!!!