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suicidal contemplation, it seems to be appearing within the courses of my thought process more often as of late.

I don't like it. I feel angry and sick and lonely all the time lately. It makes me want to hurt myself sometimes, but generally I just get really mad.

The anger comes from a bunch of stuff. Alot of that stuff I don't want to talk about on here.
The loneliness is because my gf and I dont talk much lately, and even less since her phones screwed up.
Like, it seems like she's just losing interest in me. She like ignores me alot, sometimes for days or so, then just, yknow, gives me short answers. We only talk for a little bit, sometimes it's good, sometimes not, then it goes back to lack of communication. I understand, shes busy with school, but I feel like if she wanted to talk with me, she would try,or at least tell me that shes busy... idk....

Along with that, I have been noticing lately that my friends are disappearing. Moving away, not talking to me, and a couple of "friends (One of which is also my cousin)" only ever want to hang out/talk to me when they're bored, then ditch me the first chance they get because I guess Im just that damn boring/unfun.

and then, since Im lonely, Ive been getting in contact with exes/ ex unofficial gfs.
Those all lead to badfeelings, for one thing or another. And then I also end up feeling bad /angry at/with myself for talking tto them since I sometimes still have feelings for them, and I feel like I am/will end up betraying my actual non-ex gf.
\

I'm just confused alot. Angry outbursts at spambots seem to help, maybe I should try that more.

I guess I've bottled alot up, and i mean ALOT, but Idk how to express most of it, or where to or to whom I could, which makes it worse.

I really am having trouble trusting people lately due to certain events, and am becoming a little paranoid, which in turn makes me paranoid about becoming more like my dad (who is a evil jerk, as well as a paranoid schitzo), which I see more of every day it seems I guess. So I'm paranoid about becoming paranoid. which is kinda of dumb I think..

I'm also studdering and stumbling across/around words alot more lately. I have no Idea why. It even pops up in typed speech at times somehow, but generally is just actual speech.

I really really feel iffy about putting all this out there, as I dont like talking about myself, and in my experiences of late, if I let anyone in or trust someone ill just end up getting hurting, along with the fact that I'm just actually generally pretty shy.. but Ill go ahead and post it just because I need the vent and dont want to type this much and not have it posted. Ha.

*listens to "Don't worry be happy" as I type this* ironic lol.

I think above all though, I'm just scared. Whether it be of rejection,losing the gf i love, getting hurt by people I trust, becoming like my father, etc. It all seems to be fear based. Idk if that makes me a coward or not, but that's just how I feel I guess.

I feel kinda better now. Thanks/sorry for the time if you read. Gnight.

Fear is actually a normal part of life. Worrying that things outside of your control could go bad is something which everyone feels at some point. It's how you know you actually care. There's nothing wrong with worrying about the future, as long as you also see good things to look forward to, and strive towards. That's difficult when you're feeling depressed. Sometimes it just seems too hard to be positive, or sometimes you're numb/apathetic towards good things. Sometimes depression even makes you angry about "looking on the bright side".

There's generally not any easy fix for feeling lonely and upset. Especially when it comes to dealing with other people, who are just as caught up in their own lives as we are. If you're worried about your girlfriend's behaviour, the only thing you can do is talk to her and try to communicate in the most open way possible. It can be hard, too, saying that you feel like there is a growing distance, because it might be an accurate perception, and that's a scary thing when you care for a person. But maybe she doesn't realise, or maybe there's something else in her life which makes her feel like she's not good company because she's feeling down as well. I don't know, I just know there are often a lot of reasons to explain why someone seems "off" for a time. If you just talk to her, explain what you feel, don't be accusatory, just ask how she's doing and if there's something you can both work towards to make communication easier and more fulfilling while you're apart.

It's important to share how you're feeling, because a lot of the time, just turning these ideas over and over in our own heads makes it all seem a lot worse than when we lay it all out. And knowing there are people who still support you even if you feel isolated is a big thing. You're not alone. It's hard to remember that if you're keeping it all to yourself. If sharing all the details makes you uncomfortable here, or with people you know, there are a bunch of resources available to talk when you're feeling bad.
http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/Online
http://suicideprevention.wikia.com/wiki/Mississippi

My PM box or email are always open if you want to talk more. *hugs* You will be okay.

SD pretty much nailed these things right on the head. I've been in a similar spot as you, so if it helps I can kinda understand what you're going through regarding suicidal contemplation and the girlfriend thing.

I tended to keep to myself a lot as well, and it made me feel as if no one could really understand how I felt, or help, or be there at all. Of course, I know now that that isn't true. And the same probably goes for you. If anything, I also have my PM box open if you need to talk. I really wish I could say more, but like I said, SD pretty much has it all covered.

Though I would strongly recommend not talking to an ex whilst you're feeling sad. I tried doing that and even when I wasn't feeling down and it was pretty terrible-feeling for the same reasons you mentioned.

I hope you get feeling better soon. *Also hugs* I consider most people on VGF a good friend, including you.

Oh, man, paranoia. Where to begin? I know that feeling. Reacting to every sound & motion, scared to go around corners,....not fun.

Don't apologize for sharing your concerns; it's healthy to vent like that, hence this forum. :)

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

Yeah man... I feel you with the gf thing. I fell in love with my last girlfriend and before you knew it she cheated on me with some guy, then WHILE STILL CHEATING ON ME WITH HIM cheated on BOTH OF US with ANOTHER GUY. I know it hurts to lose someone you really have feelings for, so don't apologize for being human, man. The sad part is... I should have seen it coming. I went through the same thing: She'd ignore me, make up excuses to not hang out with me, give me short answers. I didn't even know she cheated on me until one of my friends told me after she broke up with me. He said he "didn't want to tell me while we were dating because he didn't want to hurt me." Because waiting until after it was over was -so- much better.

Point is... I know it hurts man... but... well I hope things work out better for you than they did for me let's just say that.

Also: A LOT of people are paranoid about becoming their father. Trust me, I'm one of them too...