Is it wrong...
Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 1:47 am
To feel like you're in love, even though you're only fourteen?
I look at peers, and see that they say they love their boyfriend, and they want to be with them forever, and then a couple weeks later the relationship ends and they cry, only to get back in a new one, and say they love them, and then they break up... again and again and again. They run through people like water, as though it means nothing, even though they act as though their partner means everything to them, and are so heart-broken when they lose the other.. What I'm trying to say is, they obviously aren't in love, they just want attention from someone, and when it's over, they simply find someone new, regardless of whether or not they even actually like them. They're young, and naive, I can't help but doubt that they have no idea what love is.
..and yet, I can't help but feel as though I myself am in love, and I've never been in a real relationship before. At least other people actually have some experience. Allow me to elaborate... *Although feel free to not read on. I'd like an answer, but if you don't feel like reading all of it, please simply skip to the last two paragraphs. Reading the entire thing isn't necessarily mandatory, in fact, I won't mind it you just click off this thread entirely, it's main purpose was to allow myself to reflect on everything personally, to see if I can understand it all better.*
FEBRUARY
My older brother's friend came over, someone new. I went into his room, and there was this guy, obviously stoned, but I saw past that.. I can't explain it really, I just saw something in this guy that I'd never seen in anyone before. I wanted to talk to him, and get to know him. I said hello, and walked out. A few days later, he came over again, without the influence of marijuana this time. Late at night, my brother, him, and I, were watching a movie in the living room, and Gage (brother) fell asleep. Jess (the friend) and I began talking, and realized we actually had quite a bit in common. When the movie ended, we sat down in front of the tv, and searched my many stacks of movies for something new to watch, and ended up talking for two more hours. Finally, we settled on King Kong, and stayed up until 7:30 in the morning, watching the movie, and talking.
OVER THE COURSE OF THE NEXT COUPLE MONTHS
We began messaging on Facebook, in very detailed responses; pages long per reply. Eventually, we accumulated a mass of over three hundred messages in total. During this time, he occasionally came over, and we continued to talk nightly as everyone else fell to slumber, staying up usually until 5:30, before my mom woke up, as she didn't approve. When tennis season came around, I started going to the high school to talk to him before practice, and things expanded to where we would hug at every goodbye.
One night, he asked if we could elongate the emotional connection by adding something physical: holding hands as we talked. Holding his hand and talking with him in the cool early morning air was like nothing i'd ever experienced before..
MAY
We began talking as usual, and a couple hours in, I looked at the clock, and told him that at the moment, the total time we've spent staying up talking equaled 24 hours. And entire day overall devoted solely to talking to him.. And then he pulled me in, and held me tightly. It wasn't really a hug, we just kinda sat there, his arms surrounding me. I actually shivered.
After that, we started doing that every time we talked. Two days before school ended, he was over, and my parents were drunk and fighting, so my mom slept in the living room, which was close to my little brother's room, which was the room Jess and I used for talking once I moved into a new house (my little brother never slept in it). She was a really light sleeper too, so this time we couldn't talk; just held each other for a few hours. Once I had to leave, he stopped me, and said "I have a crazy idea, Shelby (my name). What if I kissed you goodnight?" And of course I agreed, and then it happened.. It was my first kiss, and I couldn't have chosen anyone better to devote it to.
Finally, things had progressed into a relationship; what I'd been waiting for since the first moment I saw him.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
He's exactly what I could imagine to want in a person. He's two years older, and yet doesn't pressure me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. He's strong, yet can be so gentle.. And he always can think of something to say. He's in touch with his emotions, and appreciates nature, can write with such poetic detail, and is intelligent.. He wants to spend time with me, often. I have this problem where I suspect that people don't like me, no matter how good of friends I am with them, but he always has ways to remind me that he does like me, in vast quantities. I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. I can't get my mind off of him, and when I have to leave him after hanging out for a while, it's hugely difficult. He's even in my dreams, almost every night, always protecting me from evil forces.
This has to be love, I can't think of any other word to describe it.. Can it be? I'm only fourteen, and haven't been in a relationship before, as I've mentioned, but I spent so much time getting to know him before things grew into what it is now, it seems, and with the way I feel when I look at him, think about him, hug him... I must love him. Do I?
I look at peers, and see that they say they love their boyfriend, and they want to be with them forever, and then a couple weeks later the relationship ends and they cry, only to get back in a new one, and say they love them, and then they break up... again and again and again. They run through people like water, as though it means nothing, even though they act as though their partner means everything to them, and are so heart-broken when they lose the other.. What I'm trying to say is, they obviously aren't in love, they just want attention from someone, and when it's over, they simply find someone new, regardless of whether or not they even actually like them. They're young, and naive, I can't help but doubt that they have no idea what love is.
..and yet, I can't help but feel as though I myself am in love, and I've never been in a real relationship before. At least other people actually have some experience. Allow me to elaborate... *Although feel free to not read on. I'd like an answer, but if you don't feel like reading all of it, please simply skip to the last two paragraphs. Reading the entire thing isn't necessarily mandatory, in fact, I won't mind it you just click off this thread entirely, it's main purpose was to allow myself to reflect on everything personally, to see if I can understand it all better.*
FEBRUARY
My older brother's friend came over, someone new. I went into his room, and there was this guy, obviously stoned, but I saw past that.. I can't explain it really, I just saw something in this guy that I'd never seen in anyone before. I wanted to talk to him, and get to know him. I said hello, and walked out. A few days later, he came over again, without the influence of marijuana this time. Late at night, my brother, him, and I, were watching a movie in the living room, and Gage (brother) fell asleep. Jess (the friend) and I began talking, and realized we actually had quite a bit in common. When the movie ended, we sat down in front of the tv, and searched my many stacks of movies for something new to watch, and ended up talking for two more hours. Finally, we settled on King Kong, and stayed up until 7:30 in the morning, watching the movie, and talking.
OVER THE COURSE OF THE NEXT COUPLE MONTHS
We began messaging on Facebook, in very detailed responses; pages long per reply. Eventually, we accumulated a mass of over three hundred messages in total. During this time, he occasionally came over, and we continued to talk nightly as everyone else fell to slumber, staying up usually until 5:30, before my mom woke up, as she didn't approve. When tennis season came around, I started going to the high school to talk to him before practice, and things expanded to where we would hug at every goodbye.
One night, he asked if we could elongate the emotional connection by adding something physical: holding hands as we talked. Holding his hand and talking with him in the cool early morning air was like nothing i'd ever experienced before..
MAY
We began talking as usual, and a couple hours in, I looked at the clock, and told him that at the moment, the total time we've spent staying up talking equaled 24 hours. And entire day overall devoted solely to talking to him.. And then he pulled me in, and held me tightly. It wasn't really a hug, we just kinda sat there, his arms surrounding me. I actually shivered.
After that, we started doing that every time we talked. Two days before school ended, he was over, and my parents were drunk and fighting, so my mom slept in the living room, which was close to my little brother's room, which was the room Jess and I used for talking once I moved into a new house (my little brother never slept in it). She was a really light sleeper too, so this time we couldn't talk; just held each other for a few hours. Once I had to leave, he stopped me, and said "I have a crazy idea, Shelby (my name). What if I kissed you goodnight?" And of course I agreed, and then it happened.. It was my first kiss, and I couldn't have chosen anyone better to devote it to.
Finally, things had progressed into a relationship; what I'd been waiting for since the first moment I saw him.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
He's exactly what I could imagine to want in a person. He's two years older, and yet doesn't pressure me to do anything I'm not comfortable with. He's strong, yet can be so gentle.. And he always can think of something to say. He's in touch with his emotions, and appreciates nature, can write with such poetic detail, and is intelligent.. He wants to spend time with me, often. I have this problem where I suspect that people don't like me, no matter how good of friends I am with them, but he always has ways to remind me that he does like me, in vast quantities. I can't imagine being with anyone else but him. I can't get my mind off of him, and when I have to leave him after hanging out for a while, it's hugely difficult. He's even in my dreams, almost every night, always protecting me from evil forces.
This has to be love, I can't think of any other word to describe it.. Can it be? I'm only fourteen, and haven't been in a relationship before, as I've mentioned, but I spent so much time getting to know him before things grew into what it is now, it seems, and with the way I feel when I look at him, think about him, hug him... I must love him. Do I?