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So a few years ago I join the exciting world on online dating (I'm nearly a 30 year old geek, what do you expect me to do). And found a female geekess like me, who sadly has M.E. (Not gonna explain what it is, just google it if you don't know.)

After 6 months of talking I wanted to meet up with her, but one of the problems of M.E is trouble getting out of the house for long periods of time, and even short ones. I've tried everything to compensate this, yet she keeps ignoring the subject. And I sent the E-mail below to her a little while ago, you can see what's also been happening on that......

I don’t feel all that awesome at the moment.

One of the things that is depressing me at the moment, is when you’ve been ignoring my messages about meeting up.

I guess I should tell you about why meeting up is important to me.

A while ago, my Grandma met up with her long time Penfriend (of sixty years) after writing to her for so long, my grandma could barely stick being in the room for thirty minutes. It made me realise that you can know lots about someone, but it’s only until you meet them that you know how you really feel about them

I really want to meet up with you, because the longer it takes for us to meet up, the worse we’ll feel if we don’t get on well.

I feel even worse when I see you put about wanting to go watch the New Harry Potter Film, but can’t even see me for Ten minutes. It doesn’t make me feel very awesome.

I really love the sound of you, but I feel I can’t fall fully in love with you until there isn’t a computer in the way.

I know your concerned about your M.E., but aren’t I suppose to be handle you at your worst to deserve the best of you.

Sorry for the length of this message, and the out of the blueness of it. But I need to get it of my chest.

:(

Am I being unfair, or selfish?

{[[TL: DR??? Boy meets Girl online, girl has problems, both want to meet up but can't due to problems, Boy thinks this is unfair because she's going to see a film which will take longer to do rather than meet boy.]]}

Doesn't sound selfish to me. It's important to be honest about this stuff.

I think it's abrupt but not entirely unfair. I know that it takes a huge leap of trust to meet up with someone from online. It's hard whether you have M.E. or not. I think you're doing the right thing because you have to meet up eventually, just try to be more gentle then push more if she doesn't understand how serious you are about the subject.

After three months I asked about meeting up, and she completely ignored it. So I dropped into conversations after that and it's always been ignored. I've even suggested that she could bring her mum with her, or the like.....plus it's only gonna be a 5 min drive for her mum, and a 45 min drive for me (not including drive back)

IMO--six months isn't long enough. She may not be comfortable, or ready, with meeting you yet. It's important to you, and I realize that. But there's also the possibility that she may NEVER be ready, and if you push too much, she may even shy away.

Don't mean to be negative here, but this is also very much a possibility. Will add more when I have more time... maybe. ^^' *at work atm*

^ Yeah, I fully understand that about shying away. But I wouldn't have even asked it, if I didn't think we'd have a good enough connection.

Anyway, basically what's has happened recently is she said that while Going to the cinema sounds worse than meeting up with me. She's only going with her mum (I figured that was the case anyway, and I've said to her, that she could bring her mum.)

So I thought about this, and thought well why don't I suggest meeting at the cinema, I'm not gonna watch the film, due to the fact that I've not seen the others. But if anything, we could probably talk 5 mins in the lobby (most good cinemas have seats, and I've been to most of them near her anyway (45 min drive to most cinemas near me, where I live sucks))

Sent that this morning, and when I got home....I found this on her Status update....

Got some sleep! Though i kept waking up every two hours, i ache like i've been ran over and my brain feels like someones ran a knife through it! I won't be on Facebook for a few days, but messages will be answered when i get back. If the admins of my group could look after it for me i'd really appreciate it.

So I guess I'm gonna get an answer in a few days.......

Your honesty is to be commended, Nomytaker!!

It's always difficult meeting someone you've only known online to date and I don't think it's selfish to want to meet someone you're interested in. That said, everyone has their own "time" when they're ready for this.

If this girl is worth it, be patient as she gets used to the idea and if you bring it up again with her, just mention how you're happy to wait for her to feel safe and comfortable with the idea.

Also, be sure to meet in a public place with lots of people around so she does feel safe. ;)

Good luck and I hope your meeting comes soon and is a wonderful connection for you both!!!

Well it's been four days since she went offline. She was online for about two hours earlier, and I haven't had a email from her. Do I quit now, or wait a few more days?

^ I would think that a little more waiting couldn't hurt. Good luck.

Sorry I'm a bit late.

I don't think it's unfair for you to want to meet her in person, especially with the concerns you have about your compatibility. If she's not willing to even DISCUSS it with you, I would be worried. It's not like you had to meet up immediately, and she should have been able to talk it over with you. :/

Since she's not able to come online at the moment, I guess you can't talk to her? I suggest you just wait until things are back to "normal", and she's coming online again, and see if she ignores it once more.

If she does ignore your requests outright, you need to be honest with her: that you're very upset that she has never been willing to even talk to you about it. That you're growing to feel like this is a wedge being driven between you. That the least you want is to discuss the possibility of meeting. If you're willing to wait a while before you meet her, let her know.

Honestly, there's not a lot you can do if she refuses to TALK about something this important. :( I hope she can be reasonable about it, and I hope she does talk it through with you, explain how she feels, what she wants, what her own concerns are about it... But I really don't know how well it will turn out, since she's been avoiding the subject entirely.

It's only reasonable to believe that, if things work out, online relationships eventually move offline too. I don't know why anyone would outright avoid discussing that.

Sorry, Nomy. *superhugs*

I hate to post nothing more than "what SD said," but her advice is incredibly sound. I know that when Masa and I were dating I was super nervous about the concept of actually meeting IRL, so I understand where she's coming from-- that said, you need to tell her that you think it's important to at least discuss this, so you know exactly how she feels and what's going on. You need to be able to talk about this stuff.

Also, megahugs. <33

CuccoLady wrote:I know that when Masa and I were dating I was super nervous about the concept of actually meeting IRL

is it bad that this is the first i've ever heard of this? hahahahaha

ok ok thats it we're now double broke up


In relation to the actual topic. SD is right on all counts dude. You're not doing anything wrong.

Okay, so eventually she has replied with this....

You do realise that would mean you'd be seen IN PUBLIC with a girl dressed as Hermione Granger and her mother who will be dressed as Professor Sprout?

Now, I've just come back from a party and are a little drunk. (Huzzah! For drinking and interwebing) [Also, I've been reading a lot of Deadpool comics recently, and I get way into character. Last month it was spiderman and I webslinged all aroung work.] (This is true)

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. So does it seem like she's now making excuses for me not to see her in public. Or does the suggest otherwise?

The grinnie suggests otherwise. Tell her you'll be dressed as Aragog (but not really), & use a ;) .

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

Everyone's different, dude. She might be playing it off as light-hearted and jokey to still avoid the issue, OR she might just seriously be amused and having fun. I've known plenty of people who make jokes to disarm the situation. *shrug* Impossible to tell you what I think without knowing her myself.

But hey! She replied! That's your opening to joke back, like Capt said, then add "So, are you okay with that? Because that would be exciting!".

Then make sure you take something HP-themed with you if she agrees (even if it's just a broomstick). Gotta fit in with the ladies. ;)

To be honest, I think she's doing the "playing it off as light-hearted and jokey to still avoid the issue"

I'm thinking of you changing everything on facebook. (Relationship status back from nothing to single, profile pic was a joke thing I did for her, etc) If she asks why. I dunno what I'm gonna put but hey....

Don't use Facebook as a weapon; use it as a tool. Try "It's Complicated" first.

Really, though. Aragog. Ladies love a grotesque rhino-sized sociopathic dead spider.

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

Okay. Update. So now we ARE going to meet up just before she goes to the cinema. We're staying friends until we meet up and then see where we going from there.

Although I'm expecting it to be called off due to her condition. And she's even said that herself.

Hey, it's an improvement! :)

And remember, "I'm-a Luigi, number one!"

Okay, so....me and her agreed that she'll contact me when she gets the tickets, I believe she's booked tickets on last friday. And I've still not heard. I'm fed up of asking her to met up, so just gonna wait to see if she does actually contact me or she posts on her facebook wall that she's seen the film.

I'm not expecting her to contact me, but still live in hope.