Breakdown

[Kil'jaeden]

I think I had a nervous breakdown so bad, I was paralyzed for about 2 days. Just numb, could not do or care about anything. Could not eat. But I have gotten through it, somehow. But that was awful. I think I am better now. I do not feel as if I can be quite the same person though. I just do not know what to make of it all.

[Deku Tree]

Under a lot of pressure?

[Kil'jaeden]

I just became an assistant on a project, but that is not why. No amount of pressure would do that. I just considered how awful it all is, how the world is cold and unfeeling, we are so insignificant, and how this world always seemed to me a cycle of pointless suffering. I feel crushed by all of it. All that just to suffer and die for no reason. I saw a cat, that died in my yard. I just got so upset, and then I just broke down. Someone I knew just killed herself, right after getting into a university. I remember another, one that I would have considered a friend, or someone I admired, who not long ago suddenly died right before doing what she wanted to do. It was so unfair, and nothing can be done. I have always supressed any feeling. I have not allowed myself to feel much of anything, and I feel like I am a robot. I renounced having any more friends after high school, when many of my friends went far away. It pained me so much I wanted to just cut them all off, and I pretty much did. Only one have I ever even tried to talk to any in the past 4 years. I have only a handful of people that I interact with, and when I reflected on that when I was in the state I was in, I found myself to be very wanting. How often have I stayed alone when I have been asked to do something? How often have I avoided my own family? I went to visit my grandmother, because even though I am a few minutes away I hardly ever go, and I have not went alone on a whim in a few years. How often have I just been grumpy or distant to people that are trying to reach out? I have not appreciated a single thing.

Here I am doing all this stuff for a degree, and I don't feel anything about it. I just perform tasks because it is something to do, I have never cared about any of it. Other people around me have some actual passion for what they do, I have none, I do not think I have ever had any. And this project, sure, I can get my name on a published paper, but I do not care about that either. How am I different from a zombie? Why bother doing anything at all if it is all futile? Why does nothing stir any reaction?

[Kargath]

Man, you need to talk to people. I really mean it, you sound depressed. Not 'oh thats bad' depressed, legitimately clinically depressed. I'm not sure we can do much over the internet for you.

[Jere]

yeah it sounds like you have suppressed some feelings for quite some time and now your body don't know what to do about it anymore, nd not letting yourself feel at all is kind of bad actually you will feel the bottoms more than the tops and that is quite devastating for your personal health you know.

You always have someplace to vent your feelings here you know and im not telling you to go away but i think you need to see some people up close and talk to them, that and i think you need to see a psychologist just so he/she can tell you what you might do to improve your well being in the short and long term.

And seriusly man we always have a ear if you want to talk, a nice assuring word of wisdom and a good pat on the shoulder/hug if you need to (to the extent sadly to the internet but i think you catch my drift).

[Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds]

See a doctor as a matter of urgency, Kil. What you're feeling and experiencing are very real signs of severe depression, and you need to have some professional backing to map out treatment and support plans for you. There are many different ways you can deal with this kind of depression. You don't have to feel engulfed by a sucking void of hopelessness; you can heal and feel other emotions again, you can balance the chemicals which are taking everything else away from you, but you do need help getting there. Please see a doctor as soon as possible. Call them right now, or the next available time slot in your day. And remember, there are hotlines you can call if you feel like the depression is overwhelming you, okay? We want you around. *hugs*

[Deepfake]

I have a lot of thoughts on the matter, but if you want to take anything in a way that feeds your unhappiness, that's something you're going to do. It's not just a matter of being happy, it's a matter of not making everything into a reason to be unhappy. That matches your definition of pointlessness just as well, or better, because there's nothing in it for you.

You may end up having these feelings because you feel both that you have no control and that you have no support. There are always people willing to talk if they know it's important to you.

Pointlessness doesn't have to create an overwhelming sadness in you, though. Having a point, and meaning, are constructs of the mind. As a person you can value anything you want to. It's not an ability we necessarily want, but from that perspective you can do no wrong anyway.

But anyway, I may be projecting a bit but I understand and relate to that perspective. It's a hard pill to swallow, but the one thing any single person has to understand before they can move on is that they control the ideas that they employ in life.

If you want to talk any time, feel free to message me. If you want help deciding who to contact and how to get any kind of professional help, as it might not be an easy feat on your own, talk to someone you're comfortable with. If you're not comfortable with anyone, I'm sure you can see that discomfort isn't going to just go away by not reaching out and investigating your own avenues of betterment.

And hey, this is all just an opportunity to learn and decide what you really want.

[Kil'jaeden]

I feel like I have gained some sort of insight I cannot explain, but I still feel blank. I keep wondering what it is, and what I would do with it. Maybe it is simple and I am just missing the point. I am not interested in professional help, or medication. I do not believe any of those could truly help. I don't think anything really can.

[smol Kat]

Have you tried meditation? Keeping yourself from thinking may (interestingly) help you organize your thoughts.

[Bomby]

Your journey has begun.

[Saria Dragon of the Rain Wilds]

Yeah man, I do understand, and that's the depression talking in your ear. It can be almost impossible to see how anything could change for the better when you're already in such a state of numbness. Depression is self-feeding and makes it really easy to think that nothing will effect you. But when things are so bad that you have a breakdown for days, you must seek help from someone. Losing your sense of preservation (not even caring enough to eat) is not a normal thing, Kil. It's not okay. It's something that can be treated, whether through therapy, a change in your diet, more exercise, vitamin supplements, or prescription medication - there's not one single path to mental health and you don't have to take pharmaceutical drugs if you don't want. Even with my active lifestyle, healthy diet, and sun exposure, I still have to take extra B3 and D3 every day so my body is even capable of making The Happy.

This is something you can get through, it's just... hard, because you probably don't see the point in trying while you're inside the depression. Please call a doctor, or even just a local support line. Things won't spontaneously be better, but it can't get worse by contacting someone and making that first little step, you know?

[smol Kat]

[quote="the blog you just linked]But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there's a huge difference between not giving a **** and not being able to give a ****. Cognitively"]

I actually experienced this semiconsciously when I was on depression meds for a short time. I hated it, and immediately began to taper down. I'd rather give too many ****s than none and society can deal >
...ahem. Just felt like sharing. <w<

...Also, this dude's talking about crying as separate from sadness. This is so unbelievably apt. Everyone needs to be doing this.

[Kil'jaeden]

The blog/comic Bomby posted is pretty accurate. I have never wanted to kill myself though. But I am not going to be that person anymore. I don't think that I can be that anymore. If anything, I feel more unburdened than I have in years. Doesn't mean I will be a ray of positivity all the time, but I do not need to be stone either.

[b l a n k]

Hmm...how do I tackle this?

Well, recently, I saw the film Hannah and Her Sisters, in which one of the protagonists, Mickey Sachs (Woody Allen), eventually reaches a catharsis that, instead of spending all his time trying to figure out the meaning of existence, should learn to enjoy life after he attends a screening of the Marx Brothers' Duck Soup.

So from this, I would say that the meaning of life (religious factor aside) is what you make it. Get out there and make your life extraordinary! In fact, from my own experiences, I've learned that fun is not a given opportunity. Fun is what you make of a given opportunity, kind of like how that cartoon character made fun out of that corn kernel. When life gives you lemons, make...a lemon, Cheetos, and Hershey bar sandwich for goodness' sake! Feel free to go outside your comfort zone, use your imagination, and think about the positive aspects of things instead of the negative ones. You put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.

That said, what have you always dreamed of accomplishing (before this state of depression)?

[Kil'jaeden]

I don't know. I don't dream of doing anything in particular, not anymore. I just want everything to not be meaningless bull****.

[Deepfake]

^ Meaning is an artifact of consciousness, mate. The mind demands meaning to translate to action and purpose, a way to understand end results and which you should accomplish. It's pointless to be upset about having a point, in so many ways. Purpose isn't something you can medicate into your life, but through practice and time you can appreciate what gives you comfort. What hobbies do you have? What did you do when you were younger, even as a child, that you don't do now? What did you ever actually want to do, even if you don't now? Is there something you respect?

You're a smart guy, I can tell just by your interaction on the board here. Depression is a pitfall for people with intellect.

Do you perhaps feel unappreciated? Trapped?

[Bomby]

I just want everything to not be meaningless bull****.

[Kil'jaeden]

In high school I would have said I wanted to be a scientist. But I find no fulfillment there. It seems as pointless as everything else. I always wanted answers to the how and why of things, and maybe that is why I gravitated toward science. But I find myself in the dark as much as ever about all that. I think much of it stems from having stupid expectations, and a small minded view of things. I have spent a week thinking mostly of how stupid I have been.

As for what I did as a child, well, I never really did much different. I liked to play video games, read books, and run around the rural area we lived in. I was always somewhat cynical. I think that started with my interest in history. I read history books from about 2nd grade, and what I found out from them generally is that people are not very good. Being a loner and the odd one out all the time did not improve my impression. I was worst in middle school, because I really had no friends to carry over from grade school, and came in expecting it to be even worse. I pretty much privately rebelled against every value my parents and grandparents wanted to instill. That is pretty typical. I mellowed out by high school, but it did not make me care. They always said I was a "good kid" and I would tell anyone that said that that they were mistaken. The thing that really separated me from the bad kids is that I was too careful and too apathetic to be too bad. But I did find things that I cared about, at least, more than usual. The school picture where I can honestly say I was happy is the 11th grade one.