My Formal Review of Cats (2019)
Posted: Thu Jan 23, 2020 4:54 pm
You might have thought that my other thread ranking the Cats songs from best to worst qualified as my review. Oh, no. That was based on the songs individually; now I must express my overall thoughts and frustrations regarding this movie as a whole.
I will start off by saying it is by far the most interesting movie I have seen in theaters this year, and I will be buying it as soon as it comes out on DVD. I will also say that it is equally the worst movie I have seen in theaters this year. That said, of all sins this movie commits, being boring is not one of them. Absolutely not. And in a climate where so many movies feel painfully safe and squarely "fine, but no one will remember it in 5 years," I guarantee that this movie is NOT fine, but EVERYONE will remember it in 5 years. Unless they have blocked it out as a trauma response, I suppose. Anyway, that sets it apart.
The most fascinating thing about Cats is that it is abysmal both as an adaptation of the source material and as a stand-alone cinematic experience. This movie is neither for diehard fans of Cats, nor is it for your average movie-going crowd. Fans of Cats (1998) will be put off by the incomprehensible decision to try and give this musical a plot that would appeal to people who are used to watching movies that actually have plots, and fans of cinema who may not be familiar with the source material will be put off by... virtually everything else. The target audience of the movie seems to consist solely of people who like the Cats soundtrack and also like watching incredibly weird **** and will forgive awful writing if it is paired with great set design and cool lighting; of people who think choreography is interesting to watch but will also sit through a lot of people just kind of standing around. (Considering Victoria was cast based on the actress's status as a world-class ballerina, one can't help but notice that she spends about 99% of her screentime standing there and singing long songs that are out of her range. She tried. Bless her.)
This movie is an example of what you get when you have a cast of insanely rich and famous and hot all-star celebrities with varying levels of talent, and somehow squander almost all of that potential by miscasting folks and having such a wildly horrible vision that even the people who might be able to kill it look like they're dying inside. I bring up Victoria again. Now, she has a different and more prominent role in this interpretation than in the source material. That is fine; it's an adaptation and I guess every protagonist needs to have a tragic backstory and outsider perspective so the audience can project on them now. Whatever. The reason I'm talking about this isn't because it's DIFFERENT that Victoria sings now instead of just flexing on everyone with sick ballerina moves; it's that, they still. cast a ballerina. with no background in professional singing. Which would have been a PERFECT casting choice for the role in the stage play... and then proceeded to delegate an entire boring original song that is slightly out of her range, AND a hugely important harmony part to Memory that is DEFINITELY out of her range. RIP Jemima, you didn't get to sing that gorgeous intro to the Memory reprise because Victoria is more important than you. Sorry.
Changing things to suit the new narrative structure is fine. However, I beg of you, the least you can do is ALSO at least TRY to cater to the strengths of your cast....? Alas. That segment physically hurts to listen to because SHE IS TRYING SO HARD BUT IT IS NOT HER FAULT THAT HER VOCAL CHORDS DON'T DO THAT. Tom Hooper was like "lol, tough". Every single painfully short dance solo Victoria gets is a beautiful, fleeting glimpse as to what could have been if her talents were fully embraced, and then she goes back to standing there and trying her best to sing. I'm so sorry, darling. You're doing great.
Shout-out to Grizabella, by the way, I don't know why they forced her to have snot dripping down her face the entire time but her voice is incredible.
Now, I have to admit. Giving Victoria a bunch of solos she didn't have before even though her actress can't sing them was a bad decision, but - in my opinion - not nearly as bad as going the other direction, and taking a different prominent dance-only character and just removing the dancing entirely in favor of having him just be a really uninteresting and overdone bumbling Hollywood archetype. At least Victoria still HAS the dance. This other example doesn't even have that.
I am talking, of course, about the magical, the magnificent, the horribly, horribly butchered in this adaptation, Mister Mistoffelees.
Again, I understand that maybe having a sparkling chad-energy twink descend from the ceiling and do a 3 minute long incredibly impressive ballet solo while his boyfriend sings about how cool he is and he just ZAPs the plot back with 90's special effects is... maybe not going to translate to a ~modern big screen vision~. So I suppose it's natural that we go with the only-character-type-Tom-Holland-is-allowed-to-play-now soft and shy boy who gains Self Confidence TM by the end of it. Like, alright, whatever. At least he can sing. But in THIS case, they didn't even GIVE him any dance solos. This is probably because his actor isn't suited to them, in which case I ask why on earth giving Victoria singing solos is a-ok but giving Mistoffelees dance numbers is out of the question. I suppose it goes against the framing of "awkward and bumbling" they were going for, but considering this is a damn musical with full choreography, why on earth is that the framing you were going to go for. It's a musical and one of your primary protagonists can't even dance? Made worse by the fact that his dancing is straight up the bombest **** ever in the source material? What the ****, Tom Hooper. What the ****.
....You know what DOES work? Those rare, rare, EXCEEDINGLY rare, fleeting moments when the cast is singing and dancing, and doing it well, and having a grand old time.
That is why Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is the single only valid moment in this godforsaken film and brings such revitalizing energy that I have seen it in theaters 3 times. Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is a singer, Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is a dancer, Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is an ensemble number where everyone looks like they want to be there and is having fun and there is humor in the framing and the choreography and the performances and you think, for a few short minutes, that maybe this movie is actually fun. It doesn't last, but the impression does. You will leave the theater wondering why the entire movie couldn't have been Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat taking you on an adventure to the Northern part of the Northern hemisphere and leaving the rest of this godawful mess behind.
I think I could go on for another 9000 words rambling about my nitpicks and frustrations with virtually every number, but in an effort to try and back it up and be more big-picture: the problem with this adaptation is that Cats is a success because of its insanely good soundtrack and choreography and the cast fully buying into the ridiculous premise. No one gives a flying **** about the plot when watching Cats. Cats is about the characters and the music and the fun experience of watching a cast who is also having fun. Cats is an excuse to put T.S. Eliot poems to bangers and have furries dance around to them. This adaptation chooses at almost every turn to sacrifice song and dance for a Normal Narrative Structure, which is in every circumstance a horrible idea. Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats, one of the biggest certified bops in the soundtrack, cuts itself off for a dramatic introduction to Le Villain TM. Mistoffelees doesn't have a sickass ballet solo because he needs to have Character Development TM. Jennyanydots doesn't have harmony to die or kill for because it needs to have horrible slapstick comic relief at all times. Every time this movie decides to actually go all-in on itself it is temporarily a fun experience, but then it keeps interrupting itself to apologize for itself and turns into a mess.
Things I WILL say in favor of the movie:
- Thank you Idris Elba. He is giving off what my friend aptly described as "the vibes of a talented dad who was asked to be in a bad community theater production along with his third-grader kid and indulged them because they needed someone". Every second with him is a treasure.
- SKIIIMBLLEESHAAANKSS THEEEEEE RAIILWAY CAAAT!!!!! Not only was it just a fun high-energy and clever performance but the introduction of tap dance actually made the sound design really damn impressive. The clips and claps of the tap shoes on different surfaces was honestly brilliant. This number is phenomenal and this is a rare case of the cover being on par and maybe even slightly more interesting than the original.
- Victoria's dance solos are awesome when she actually gets them
- Set design is great. A lot of the shots in this movie would actually be amazing if the actors in them didn't Look Like That.
- I actually really like the decision to use the older version of Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer. It's jazzy and really good, it's one of the best sequences in the film. It's not as high energy as Skimbleshanks but honestly it's way up there, the sets are fantastic and the actors have pretty great chemistry.
As a final parting thought - if the movie had more failures like Beautiful Ghosts (where it's trying to be Deep TM and failing), and fewer failures like Gumbie Cat and Bustopher Jones (where it's interrupting itself to be like "haha isn't this ridiculous" with awful slapstick), if the movie had the balls to just fully buy into its own ********, it would instantly have been a better movie. The thing that makes this go from "wild but enjoyable" to "wild but enjoyable when it isnt being terrible" is the fact that even the movie itself doesn't think it's good, and it keeps reminding you that.
Also Rum Tum Tugger was not sexy enough. The end
I will start off by saying it is by far the most interesting movie I have seen in theaters this year, and I will be buying it as soon as it comes out on DVD. I will also say that it is equally the worst movie I have seen in theaters this year. That said, of all sins this movie commits, being boring is not one of them. Absolutely not. And in a climate where so many movies feel painfully safe and squarely "fine, but no one will remember it in 5 years," I guarantee that this movie is NOT fine, but EVERYONE will remember it in 5 years. Unless they have blocked it out as a trauma response, I suppose. Anyway, that sets it apart.
The most fascinating thing about Cats is that it is abysmal both as an adaptation of the source material and as a stand-alone cinematic experience. This movie is neither for diehard fans of Cats, nor is it for your average movie-going crowd. Fans of Cats (1998) will be put off by the incomprehensible decision to try and give this musical a plot that would appeal to people who are used to watching movies that actually have plots, and fans of cinema who may not be familiar with the source material will be put off by... virtually everything else. The target audience of the movie seems to consist solely of people who like the Cats soundtrack and also like watching incredibly weird **** and will forgive awful writing if it is paired with great set design and cool lighting; of people who think choreography is interesting to watch but will also sit through a lot of people just kind of standing around. (Considering Victoria was cast based on the actress's status as a world-class ballerina, one can't help but notice that she spends about 99% of her screentime standing there and singing long songs that are out of her range. She tried. Bless her.)
This movie is an example of what you get when you have a cast of insanely rich and famous and hot all-star celebrities with varying levels of talent, and somehow squander almost all of that potential by miscasting folks and having such a wildly horrible vision that even the people who might be able to kill it look like they're dying inside. I bring up Victoria again. Now, she has a different and more prominent role in this interpretation than in the source material. That is fine; it's an adaptation and I guess every protagonist needs to have a tragic backstory and outsider perspective so the audience can project on them now. Whatever. The reason I'm talking about this isn't because it's DIFFERENT that Victoria sings now instead of just flexing on everyone with sick ballerina moves; it's that, they still. cast a ballerina. with no background in professional singing. Which would have been a PERFECT casting choice for the role in the stage play... and then proceeded to delegate an entire boring original song that is slightly out of her range, AND a hugely important harmony part to Memory that is DEFINITELY out of her range. RIP Jemima, you didn't get to sing that gorgeous intro to the Memory reprise because Victoria is more important than you. Sorry.
Changing things to suit the new narrative structure is fine. However, I beg of you, the least you can do is ALSO at least TRY to cater to the strengths of your cast....? Alas. That segment physically hurts to listen to because SHE IS TRYING SO HARD BUT IT IS NOT HER FAULT THAT HER VOCAL CHORDS DON'T DO THAT. Tom Hooper was like "lol, tough". Every single painfully short dance solo Victoria gets is a beautiful, fleeting glimpse as to what could have been if her talents were fully embraced, and then she goes back to standing there and trying her best to sing. I'm so sorry, darling. You're doing great.
Shout-out to Grizabella, by the way, I don't know why they forced her to have snot dripping down her face the entire time but her voice is incredible.
Now, I have to admit. Giving Victoria a bunch of solos she didn't have before even though her actress can't sing them was a bad decision, but - in my opinion - not nearly as bad as going the other direction, and taking a different prominent dance-only character and just removing the dancing entirely in favor of having him just be a really uninteresting and overdone bumbling Hollywood archetype. At least Victoria still HAS the dance. This other example doesn't even have that.
I am talking, of course, about the magical, the magnificent, the horribly, horribly butchered in this adaptation, Mister Mistoffelees.
Again, I understand that maybe having a sparkling chad-energy twink descend from the ceiling and do a 3 minute long incredibly impressive ballet solo while his boyfriend sings about how cool he is and he just ZAPs the plot back with 90's special effects is... maybe not going to translate to a ~modern big screen vision~. So I suppose it's natural that we go with the only-character-type-Tom-Holland-is-allowed-to-play-now soft and shy boy who gains Self Confidence TM by the end of it. Like, alright, whatever. At least he can sing. But in THIS case, they didn't even GIVE him any dance solos. This is probably because his actor isn't suited to them, in which case I ask why on earth giving Victoria singing solos is a-ok but giving Mistoffelees dance numbers is out of the question. I suppose it goes against the framing of "awkward and bumbling" they were going for, but considering this is a damn musical with full choreography, why on earth is that the framing you were going to go for. It's a musical and one of your primary protagonists can't even dance? Made worse by the fact that his dancing is straight up the bombest **** ever in the source material? What the ****, Tom Hooper. What the ****.
....You know what DOES work? Those rare, rare, EXCEEDINGLY rare, fleeting moments when the cast is singing and dancing, and doing it well, and having a grand old time.
That is why Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is the single only valid moment in this godforsaken film and brings such revitalizing energy that I have seen it in theaters 3 times. Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is a singer, Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is a dancer, Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is an ensemble number where everyone looks like they want to be there and is having fun and there is humor in the framing and the choreography and the performances and you think, for a few short minutes, that maybe this movie is actually fun. It doesn't last, but the impression does. You will leave the theater wondering why the entire movie couldn't have been Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat taking you on an adventure to the Northern part of the Northern hemisphere and leaving the rest of this godawful mess behind.
I think I could go on for another 9000 words rambling about my nitpicks and frustrations with virtually every number, but in an effort to try and back it up and be more big-picture: the problem with this adaptation is that Cats is a success because of its insanely good soundtrack and choreography and the cast fully buying into the ridiculous premise. No one gives a flying **** about the plot when watching Cats. Cats is about the characters and the music and the fun experience of watching a cast who is also having fun. Cats is an excuse to put T.S. Eliot poems to bangers and have furries dance around to them. This adaptation chooses at almost every turn to sacrifice song and dance for a Normal Narrative Structure, which is in every circumstance a horrible idea. Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats, one of the biggest certified bops in the soundtrack, cuts itself off for a dramatic introduction to Le Villain TM. Mistoffelees doesn't have a sickass ballet solo because he needs to have Character Development TM. Jennyanydots doesn't have harmony to die or kill for because it needs to have horrible slapstick comic relief at all times. Every time this movie decides to actually go all-in on itself it is temporarily a fun experience, but then it keeps interrupting itself to apologize for itself and turns into a mess.
Things I WILL say in favor of the movie:
- Thank you Idris Elba. He is giving off what my friend aptly described as "the vibes of a talented dad who was asked to be in a bad community theater production along with his third-grader kid and indulged them because they needed someone". Every second with him is a treasure.
- SKIIIMBLLEESHAAANKSS THEEEEEE RAIILWAY CAAAT!!!!! Not only was it just a fun high-energy and clever performance but the introduction of tap dance actually made the sound design really damn impressive. The clips and claps of the tap shoes on different surfaces was honestly brilliant. This number is phenomenal and this is a rare case of the cover being on par and maybe even slightly more interesting than the original.
- Victoria's dance solos are awesome when she actually gets them
- Set design is great. A lot of the shots in this movie would actually be amazing if the actors in them didn't Look Like That.
- I actually really like the decision to use the older version of Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer. It's jazzy and really good, it's one of the best sequences in the film. It's not as high energy as Skimbleshanks but honestly it's way up there, the sets are fantastic and the actors have pretty great chemistry.
As a final parting thought - if the movie had more failures like Beautiful Ghosts (where it's trying to be Deep TM and failing), and fewer failures like Gumbie Cat and Bustopher Jones (where it's interrupting itself to be like "haha isn't this ridiculous" with awful slapstick), if the movie had the balls to just fully buy into its own ********, it would instantly have been a better movie. The thing that makes this go from "wild but enjoyable" to "wild but enjoyable when it isnt being terrible" is the fact that even the movie itself doesn't think it's good, and it keeps reminding you that.
Also Rum Tum Tugger was not sexy enough. The end