Erik: What is it this time, Olaf?
Olaf: It's Baleog! Somethin's happened to him! We was playing around that island ya tol' us to never go to, and he fell into a pool o' dis black liquidy stuff.
Erik: I thought I told you two to never go there! Now look what's happened! He's turned into a little dog!
Baleog: *wimper*
Olaf: And whas' worse, I lost me shield.
Erik: Bloody hell, Olaf... well, I guess we should head off to that island, find your shield, and see if we can find a way to turn Baleog back into a human.
Olaf: 'Les go hunting pigs, first.
Erik: I dunno. I think Baleog wants to be human again.
Baleog: *pant pant pant* Yipe!
Olaf: See, he's happy at the thought a' going huntin'!
Baleog: *wimper*
Erik: Don't you at least want your shield back?
Olaf: Naw, it can wait.
Baleog: *wimper*
Erik: Well, I guess if it'll get you to come along to turn Baleog back.
Narrator: And so, the Lost Vikings set out to go hunting. While out, Erik and Olaf agree that Baleog is better as a dog, and Olaf, being the total scatterbrain he is, compeltely forgot about his shield. Erik changes his name to "Asterix", Olaf becomes "Obelix", and they start calling Baleog "Dogmatix". Everyone in the villiage likes their names, and they all change their names to things ending in "-ix", like "Vitalstatistix". Eventually, Caesar rises to power, and one day...
Obelix: Dum-de-doo, boy I like dis. I'm glad we decided to leave tings the way dey waz.
Asterix: I do miss Baleog, but Dogmatix is so much...
*lightning strikes, and Dogmatix runs off*
Asterix: We must find Bal... Dogmatix!
Obelix: BALE... DOGMATIX!
Asterix: DOGMATIX! *notices flames* Aah! The village! *runs to see what's going on*
Dude: Stop! Don't hit me!
Asterix: Who are you?
Dude: I'm an ex-Roman spy! I'm here to help you!
Asterix: I mean, what's your name?
Dude: ...now that's a good question! To be honest, I don't even know my own name. I don't think I even have a name. I guess you can just call me "Evil Ed". Sure, I give you advice like that Lorock fellow, but I look like Ed. And I'm about as well programmed as he is.
Asterix: Okay, Ed. What happened here.
Evil Ed: EVIL Ed! Not just Ed! EVIL Ed!
Asterix: Okay, OKAY. Evil Ed, what happened here?
Evil Ed: The Romans sacked your village! They carted off your friends. I think they're going to use them to satisfy his troops!
Asterix: Satisfy his troops... what?
Evil Ed: If you don't get it, I ain't gonna bother. Look, just go get me thirty Roman helmets. Don't ask me why I'm asking you to collect helmets.
Asterix: If you want those helmets so bad, why don't YOU go get them?
Evil Ed: Lazy. Plus, it's not my village that got burned.
Asterix: ...
-lots of Roman clobbering later-
Asterix: Here's your helmets. By the way, there wouldn't be... well... a certain reason you want this many helmets, right?
Evil Ed: Oh, not at all. *shifty eyes* Anyways, here's a platform that I'll put into place with my mind. There! Now push this granite block over to the platform, and you'll be on the other side of a fence!
Asterix: Thanks, I guess.
-Evil Ed runs off-
Asterix: *leaps fence* Gotta go find Obelix.
Evil Ed: Psst! Over here!
Asterix: Hey, didn't you run the OTHER way after I gave you the helmets?
Evil Ed: Don't question me, boy! *ahem* That's a golden laurel over there! It's just something like the stars in Mario 64, but I'll give you some halfassed story about it. Caesar puts them there! Yes, he does! He ordered his soliders to do it. It's supposed to be some sort of presence of Caesar thing, blah blah blah, but it's just one of those things like the tickets from Rocket. I dunno what purpose they'll serve. You'll probably need them to access certian stages, but for now, just collect them. They're shiny and all.
Asterix: Um, okay. *grabs the laurel and does some more walking*
Evil Ed: Psst! Over here!
Asterix: ...are you a franchise or something?
Evil Ed: This here's a stick. You set fire to it, and you can blow up gun powder. Actually, I don't think guns have even been invented yet. They didn't even have clocks, which makes one wonder why one goes off in that Shakespear play.
Asterix: Just shut up and give me the stick.
*blows up a barrel of gunpowder*
Asterix: Obelix! *bear hug*
Evil Ed: AHEM.
Obelix: ... we jus' friends.
Evil Ed: I'm sure. Anyway, I found Dogmatix! He bites Roman ass!
Asterix: Hey, don't talk that way about my friend!
Obelix: Duh, yeah! He used tah be human! Then we decided to just leave him like that.
Evil Ed: Huh? I'm telling you! He literally bites Roman ass! You pretty L1, and he runs around, and bites the near Roman in the ass.
Asterix and Obelix: ...oooooohhhh!
Evil Ed: Morons... by the way, up ahead, there's a huge canon thing. But it's got a shield around it. It'll go away when you beat up all the enemies in the area. You've probably done this a million time in other video games, but I'll tell you anyway. Oh, and maybe I should warn you - you also have to beat up that wall of soldiers in front of the tower, but you can't do it without one of those magic potions that makes Asterix super strong. So if you consume all the potions, run out before you beat up the soldiers, then save, you're S-O-L. But I actually won't tell you that. So just forget I said that.
Obelix: Thank you Mr. Creepy dude sir.
Asterix: C'mon, Obelix! Let's kick some Roman behind!
-clobber clobber clobber-
Asterix: Huh... that's strange. It seems I still have to beat one enemy, but there's nobody here but that wall of soldiers. Let's look around for a while and see if we find anybody.
*ten minutes later*
Asterix: Maybe we have to beat up that wall of soldiers. *punches bounce off* Blast it all! *resets*
-more clobbering, this time Asterix takes out the wall of soldiers while under the effect of a Magic Potion-
Asterix: Yay! It's time to blow stuff up... oh poo, it only goes left and right. Oh well. Let's go on through the tower.
Evil Ed: Enter this pillar of light to switch between you and Obelix.
Asterix: Um, why do we need some pillar of light to do that? Shouldn't we just be able to do that automatically?
Evil Ed: ...
Obelix: ...
Asterix: ...
Evil Ed: Just do it.
Obelix: Cool! I'm in the lead now! Wow, a box! *opens it up, and a salesman pops out*
Salesman: HEY HEY HEY! I'VE GOT DEALS AND YOU WANT THEM! JUST TALK A LOOK AROUND MY STORE, AND BUY WHAT YOU WANT!
Asterix: How much is that attack there?
Salesman: 3,500 Roman Helmets.
Obelix: 3,500 ROMAN HELMETS?!
Asterix: How on earth are we even supposed to carry that many?
Salesman: Eh, beats me. How do you even carry the 300 you got?
Obelix: ...
Asterix: ...
Where are these lemmings going? The Super Nintendo Super Shire! Hop in line and follow them there!
[ February 14, 2005, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: CodieKitty ]